Picture Update

It's been a while since I posted pictures... so here are some lovely pics of my sisters and the youth. :)



First, the infamous Hartmann Sisters.


Here I am in the Center of the Universe with Mariposa... she'll be back in town in the summer, which I'm looking forward to. I think we're going to take over the world.


Here we are again... and notice my lovely new shoes. I actually wore them to work last Friday with a black business suit. Hehehe.


This was at a little pub in Moers... we girls wanted to take a picture, but a Certain Young Man kept getting in the way.


As you can see, we managed to take a picture anyway. :)


This picture is actually from last year... but it's terribly important because that's the evening I was inspired to learn to play the guitar. :)

Identity Crisis

If anyone thinks they've had or are having an identity crisis, please come and talk to me. We could start a club. An exclusive club. A club that defines our identities, thus solving the crisis. Tell me this isn't a brilliant idea.

Quite often I feel like things don't fit... I'm either too young (at work) or too old (at church), too mature or too immature, too American (here in Germany) or too German (in the States), too complicated, too analytical, too quiet, too introverted, too thin, too concerned or too apathetic, too girlie (pink's not the evil it once was) or too feministic (don't even get me started), too well-behaved or too corrupt, too knowledgeable (sometimes I know stuff I oughtn't) or too confused (ah, the unanswered questions)... and the list goes on.

Everything and nothing fits together perfectly imperfectly.

Seriously, though, I've been having a hard time knowing where to draw certain boundaries, and what my role and responsibility in certain situations is.

So what's a poor, confused girl to do? Other than write poetry and eat chocolate, that is.

Sweden, anyone?

I'm thinking of taking a trip to Sweden... maybe to the Malmö area. Anyone ever been there or have any suggestions?

Another lovely Day at Work

Well, today's just another Help! normal day at work I'm being held hostage in the lovely city of Krefeld against my will!. As most of you know I'm trapped we have our monthly bookclosing and can't escape!, which is going absolutely splendid, with no major problems. Just thought I need contact with the outside world! I'd give everyone an update.

If I didn't care about losing my job, I could write some rather amusing stories, *tee hee*.

Narnia and Formulas and... Something... (and laundry detergent)

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something... something critical, something interesting, something obvious, something lovely... Something. It's as if I'm seeing, but with blurred-black-and-white vision, or hearing, but only a limited, muffled range of tones, or breathing, but the air is thick and stale (ok, maybe it's cause I have a cold). I think a healthy dose of Narnian air, sword-fighting and dancing in the moonlight would help.

As funny as it may seem, though, I've learned quite a bit over the past several months by spending time in Narnia and the surrounding lands and seas, and from listening to the stories of Aslan, Peter the High King, Prince Caspian, and many others. Sometimes fantasy has more to do and say about real life than reality. You can read non-fiction, religious literature and Christian philosophy* all day long, but there's nothing like a nice, concrete metaphor to make sense of life.

I've decided to copy Don Miller and take the Stance Against Formulaic Pop Christian Thought. Life's not a list of formulas, methods, rights and wrongs. There are no concrete steps that, if followed, will have the expected results. No, life is more like a song or a poem, each person singing their own voice or writing their own lines... to be combined by the Author into a harmonious symphony or a brilliant poem. Which we will neither see nor understand until the end, of course. If at all.

Just thought I'd share... it took a journey through the bright, sweet lillied-waters at the World's End to realize this... so you guys had better take it to heart. :)

On a different note, my neighbors seem to think that I supply laundry detergent for the entire appartment, which has gotten to be rather annoying. I wanted to do laundry the other day and didn't even have enough detergent for a complete load. I'm thinking of mixing flour or cappuccino powder in with my detergent... or would that be too cruel?

See, if I were a Narnian Dryad, I wouldn't even have to do trivial things such as laundry.


*not to bash Christian philosophy... certain readings have helped tremendously... it's just that it can all be so pompous and theoretical sometimes.

I'll write you a Song, my Dear

There's seriously almost nothing in the world I'd rather do than play the piano. This weekend, everyone ended up in the Center of the Universe, and a few of us spent literally hours at the piano - playing, composing and singing. It was absolutely beautiful.

In life, there are sometimes moments that you wish would never end, and I think that was one of them. Bizarro Mom always says that I live from "Luft und Liebe" (meaning "air and love")... but I'd argue that I live from music as well, in a way.

There's some killer talent at our church... a couple of us are even working on some of our own pieces and such. And working in a group can sometimes be even more inspiring (and fun). The only thing that was missing was Syd, but despite the fact that we miss him, he's doing the right thing (though some might argue that he ought to become a philosopher as opposed to an engineer).

The International Melting Pot That Is Headquarters

One of the funniest things is meeting people you've written and telephoned with, but have never actually met or seen in Real Life. You have certain ideas of who they are, how they look, and how they carry themselves... which are often quite incorrect. I e-mail and talk with several colleagues from Headquarters on a regular basis, and had the pleasure of meeting them live and in person for the first time this week. I also had no idea which nationality they were (sometimes you can't tell by the name), so that was interesting finding out as well.

So...

... I've worked with people from the following countries this week:

Holland

Germany

Spain

Portugal

Japan

Macedonia

Indonesia

Pakistan

England

Turkey

At other times I've worked with people from:

Norway

Sweden

Finland

Austria

Switzerland

Belgium

France

Greece

Italy

Australia

China

South Africa*

Brazil*

Taiwan*

America*

Our Headquarters is seriously a cultural melting pot, which is great. And of course everyone speaks in a butchered English (sometimes I do too!), but at least we understand eachother for the most part. I've also realized that people tend to understand me better when I put on a fake British accent. Maybe it's because they all learn British English in this part of the world.


*back in the BenQ Siemens Days.

Back to Holland (or, the Chivalry Soapbox)

Beck and I are going to be in Holland again this coming week kicking some major business butt. So, if I don't answer the phone or the door, then that's why. This time Marketing Guy won't be there *sniff* but it'll still be fun.

Which reminds me that I wanted to spend a few minutes on the Chivalry Soapbox.

Chivalry is almost completely dead, which I didn't realize until spending a week in Holland with Marketing Guy. Sometimes you have to experience something good to realize that something's lacking. The opposite is of course true as well.

Anyway... at first I thought the door-opening and the letting-the-ladies-go-first and the walking-on-the-side-of-the-street and the helping-with-the-jackets was coincidental, so I decided to put it to the test. I probably shouldn't test people like that, but it's kind of irresistably interesting sometimes. And he passed with flying colours.

First, a background story: I wasn't always pro-chivalry... as a matter of fact, I was a rabid little feminist girl at one point. It started around the 5th grade, with a very polite young man at our church who was a couple of years older than me, and who always made it a point open the doors for the ladies. We had huge double doors at our church, and one Sunday morning as I approached the doors, he rushed in front of me to open the door for me. Any nice, normal little girl would have smiled and thanked him politely, but not me. I looked him square in the eyes, walked to the other door, opened it myself, and walked into the building. For whatever reason, I concluded that his gesture was unecessary, that I was perfectly capable myself, and that this ought to be made clear to him. Of course my parents didn't approve when they found out later, and we had a nice long talk which resulted in me apologizing to him (though I didn't mean it at the time).

As I've gotten older, however, I've realized and come to terms with the fact that men and women are different, that this is ok, and that this is even the way things are supposed to be.

A certain realization helped me come to terms with this... but that's a topic for another day.

I think it's unfortunate that chilvalry is dying out, though I can't pinpoint exactly why I think it's unfortunate. Which is also unfortunate. Maybe because it shows a certain respect which is often lacking in our society. Maybe because we should be embracing and enjoying differences instead of trying to deny them. Maybe because it's actually more freeing for women to be treated well.

Sometimes I feel that though we, as women, have gained a certain amount of equality (though we're still far from equal), we've sacrificed much of our dignity and respect. It was a sort of sorry trade-off, in a way. I don't want guys treating me like "one of the guys" or as a complete equal. I don't want guys to feel free to discuss any topic or make any joke in my presence. But I do want to be treated slightly differently - and respectfully.

And two weeks ago in Holland, things somehow fit together in a weird way. Whenever the door was opened for us, or whenever I was encouraged to move to the front of the line, I felt like I was being told, "We're different, but that's a good thing, and instead of denying it or ignoring it or making fun of it, it's something I respect. After you."


***IMPORTANT NOTE***

I'm not saying that any of the men or young men I know are impolite or bad-mannered in any way. It's just that this one particular young man was so very consistantly and noticeably polite and helpful, and thus made me realize that chivalry as a whole is practically non-existent.

***END OF IMPORTANT NOTE***


If anyone's interested, Ms. Barber's Refined School of Chivalrous Manners is now accepting applications for the Fall Semester.

I think that's enough for today.

*steps off the Soapbox*

Fab Four

Some pictures we took over Christmas have finally been uploaded... this year, for whatever reason, we didn't take as many pics as usual. Oh well.







I love my chicas. We're all sisters, and all within a couple of years from eachother age-wise, but we're all so different - from personalities to interests to ways of thinking to looks.

And now only half of us are in Texas, we all have different goals, we all kind of have our own lives, and growing up is just plain weird.

To dye or not to dye...

... that is the question.

I'm considering dying my hair black, like Duchess Ravenwaves.

One test-strand is already black (kind of like that blonde streak I had back in the day when Kat dyed her hair blonde)... and I kind of like it. Now the question is whether or not I should go all black.

Thoughts?

Beck thinks it'd be too much because my skin is fairly pale, and maybe she's right. But then again, maybe black is the new blonde, and maybe pale is the new tan. My Japanese boss has jet black hair and pale skin... though I wouldn't quite call him a fashion guru.

Work and Life and Ranting and Raving and Smiling

Sometimes people at work don't seem to understand that I have a private life, and that I sometimes have things to do outside of work. And sometimes other people (non-work) don't understand the extent to which I work, the challenges I deal with at work, and the toll it sometimes takes on me.

So, basically, since I'm the only one with the Big Picture here, I guess I'm the only one who can make my own decisions and set my own priorities, which I've been doing: both at work and outside.

The other day was rather frustrating - I had quite a bit to do, things to take care of, and expectations to meet. And certain people* were making me feel an immense pressure. A month ago, I would have literally cried my eyes out. But now? I'm slightly annoyed. Nothing less, nothing more. And because it's all not do-able anyway, what did I do? I pulled the plug on the phone, turned off the computer, put on some comfy PJs and read a book.

Last year, I felt frustrated and trampled on and used up and tired and sad for 8 out of 12 months. And I'm not playing that game anymore. I lived in Survival Mode for way too long, and now it's the end.

Anyway. It was a nice evening.

And I'm slowly feeling sane again.

Which was one of the 2008 Goals.

*check*


*it was no one who reads this blog, and no one who's directly related to someone who reads this blog

Heavenly Chorus?

The other night as I was laying in bed, about to drift off into wherever it is we drift when we sleep, I was awoken by a Heavenly Choir. At first, the singing was rather faint, but with each second it grew louder and more clear.

As I lay there, I knew it was the end of the world, and I somehow took comfort in that supposed fact.

The Choir was singing in German, which surprised me... I somehow expected Heavenly Choirs to sing in Latin or in Aramaic or in Tongues. But German? Though theoretically, by definition, they could have been singing in Tonuges, and I happened to understand it as German.

Anyway.

As I was pondering and enjoying the Chorus and waiting to somehow float up into space, I was surprised to suddenly hear them go fuzzy. And then they got a little more quiet, and then fuzzier, and then they stopped alltogether and I heard a booming voice announcing the weather.

I sat up in bed, thought for a minute, and realized with disappointment that my neighbor had his television on and had evidently just changed the channel.

Yeah... sometimes some of the screws are slightly lose... especially in that lovely stage between wake and sleep.

Annoying neighbor. Turn your stupid television off.

Oh, say, can you see...

Is this not the best picture*?


My sister Kat moved to Washington, DC a couple of weeks ago, and as you can see, she's had some free time on her hands before starting work this Monday.

For my Dear German Readers, yes, as most of you have learned in your English classes over the years, that's the US Capitol. And yes, you can evidently frolic on the front lawn if you feel like it (and if you have a frisbee, and if the country isn't on Red Alert).

That's my Kat.

I'm super-proud of her - she's aced her nursing board exams and will start working at the hospital ER this week. If anyone has the right personality and people-skills to work in such an environment, it's her. She's always been relatively calm and collected. And she stays under control, thinks clearly, and can make wise decisions in high-stress situations.

Sometimes I wonder if we're really related. Ha.

Like I said, I'm really proud of her, and am excited to hear about how things work out for her. Yay Kat. :)


*photo courtesy of Kara Payne

Concert Withdrawals

So... I learned today that Matchbox20 is doing a so-called "Winter 2008 Tour" (link-a-link). And who else but Alanis Morissette herself will be touring with them??? And not only is Alanis touring, but MUTEMATH (my newest band obsesssion) will be touring with them as well. I about had a heart-attack when I read it.

I'm actually considering, em, flying back to see them (yes, it's an admitted sickness)... they're in Texas on the 28th and 29th of February... which would be a month from today.

Can someone explain to me why I'm here? And why Alanis and MUTEMATH are touring together? In Texas? Two hours away from my parent's house? Can someone please explain this to me?

And Rob Thomas isn't too shabby, either.

Seriously, if any of my Dear American Readers have the opportunity to go to this concert, go. I'll be forever jealous, but that's ok.

I guess singing with Scaramouche on the way to and from Krefeld will have to do for the time being.

Unless I find a cheap flight.

Hollandia Report

We really had a great week in Holland... my team of co-workers knows how to work hard and how to play hard, and let me tell you: we did both.

We worked pretty long hours (long hours for a seminar, that is), but accomplished quite a bit. There were certain Target Values we had to calculate and generate with the new system, and we managed to manipulate the system to hit it right on the cent. It was a beautiful moment.

For the first three days of the seminar, I managed to keep my identity hidden: everyone (except my German co-workers, of course) assumed I was a German. As an American, there are certain stereotypes people have of me, and I simply didn't want to deal with those this week. I've also noticed that people's view of me often changes when they figure out where I'm from. So. Other than our team and a few Austrians, there were no native German speakers. And other than two or three Brits, there were no native English speakers. Which means I effortlessly had everyone believing I was a German.

Until we went out for Japanese food one evening... which was for me, in a way, a coming-out party. In a cultural identity sense, of course. I don't remember what prompted the comment, but for some reason, I made the statement that I'm an American. Our Japanese colleague from "Inc" (so he's one of the top guys) was completely baffled and didn't know what to do with that piece of information.

Mr. Inc: "Ahhh you American? But you born in Germany, yes?"
Mary: "No... I was born in America. I'm definitely an American."
Mr. Inc: *stares at me* "Ahhh...so you Father is American?"
Mary: "Yes..."
Mr. Inc: *thinks long and hard* "And you Mother is American?"
Mary: "Yes, both my parents are Americans. I'm an American. I have sisters who are Americans. They live in America. I'm the weird one who lives in a foreign country, which happens to be Germany."
Mr. Inc: *scratches his head* "Ahhh... so you not German... so you real American."
Mary: "Yes, a real, American-born American. With an American citizenship and passport and credit card. The only thing German about me is my freaking driver's license."

And then came the Comment of the Evening:

Mr. Inc: "Ahhh... you were so quiet at the beginning of the seminar and you were only speaking German... I thought it was because you could not speak English."

At this point, Marketing Guy and I were laughing so hard, we almost spit Green Tea and raw fish all over the table.

*switches topics*

One thing that's great about Holland is the medication: not only is it cheap, but you can buy it everywhere. It's like in the States, except with a few more options thrown into the general mix. One lunch break we decided to drive to the local grocery store. I loaded up on Vla (a special kind of pudding), Dr. Pepper (yup, this is for you, Mariposa), and Ibuprofen. And at half the price? Stock me up.

All and all, it was a great week. I learned a ton, got to know my co-workers better, got to make some connections with some European Headquarter and Inc people, started reading yet another book, and laughed way more than usual.

Amstelveen, watch out!

Beck and I are going to be in Amstelveen, Holland on business this coming week... so please direct all calls and e-mails to my secretary while I'm out. Wait... I am the secretary. It's my second job. Which is why it took quite a bit of convincing and threatening before our boss decided to let both of us go.

But it only makes sense.

Germans tend to be rather private people. They have their "work life" and their "private life" and those spheres rarely overlap. In the business world, you rarely "talk privately" with co-workers... it's only the few and far between who know anything that goes on in your "private life."

Which is why I feel like my relationship with a certain co-worker, Marketing Guy, is moving wayyy too fast. As he's driving with me and Beck to Holland this week, I gave him, upon request, my cell phone number and my address (so they can pick me up). And now I feel weird, like he knows too much. He's nice and clever and hilarious and all. But all that needs to stay at work.

I guess I'm kind of trapped in the mentality here.

Or maybe I still have issues because of Stalker Boy.

Or maybe I just have issues.

Hmm.

Bad Cop! No Donut! (Part II)

So... I got pulled over today for running a pink light (ok, maybe it was a little closer to a deep-magenta-rose). I considered showing the cops my Texas license, hoping to confuse them and avoid paying a fine... but then I remembered that I'm technically not even supposed to have my Texas license. Which I of course don't have. And which I of course didn't illegally obtain last Christmas because the American authorities have no clue. It's all about being a respectable, law-abiding German citizen here.

German cops are ogres in green suits with toy guns. And they drive matching green MINI VANS!

Not only do I have to pay a ridiculous fine, but I have 3 points. Ah, the lovely German traffic violation point system. With five points, I think you win a teddy bear... and with ten points, you win a new CD-player for your car. At 13 points your license is unfortunately taken away, and you have to return the teddy bear and the CD-player.

Now it's going to be even more difficult to avoid speeding and running red lights and stop signs because I have to rush to work to put in more overtime hours to pay stupid traffic fines.

My life is a freaking circle of death.

Work (or, I think I'll stay for a little while longer if I can...)

Work is hilarious and out of control and challenging and fun and weird and frustrating and crazy and other adjectives I oughn't use. And if I expound I could risk losing my job prematurely.

So... we'll leave it at that.

A surprising number of people have asked me lately if I plan on staying in Germany (I must be giving off weird vibes)... so I thought I'd give everyone a little update. I'd originally had three years in the back of my mind. Siemens gave me a three-year Visa, so I thought I'd stay for that period of time and then re-evaluate things.

Right now I'm at about the 2.25 year mark.

My contract at Canon expires in June 2008, but my living permit expires well before then - April 2008, if I recall correctly. Which means I need to know around February or so whether or not they're going to extend my contract so that I can take the necessary steps to renew my living permit (or not).

If I'm offered an extended contract, I think I'd sign it. I wouldn't sign it in blood, but I'd sign it. If I'm not offered an extended contract, then I think I'd try to move to DC where Kat is. Or maybe Fiji. Or Somewhere Else.

Man weiss es nicht.

But I think I'd like to stay here for a little while longer.

Here comes the Sun...

It's amazing what a series of intense conversations (in English!) with my Dad can do. The past several months have been rather trying for me, and being home over Christmas and having time to sit and talk things through with my Dad was definitely what I needed.

He and I think very much alike, and he's dealt with a lot of the same crap that I'm having to currently deal with. So, though there are rarely simple and immediate answers and solutions (if at all), at least I know that I'm not alone here and there's someone out there who cares and understands. It's not that others don't - it's just that Dad has always played a very special and important role in this crazy thing called My Life.

I almost even feel good now. For the first time in a long time. It's a nice, weird feeling.

Homeward bound...

Thought I'd write what could possibly be my last blog entry, as certain people seem to think that my plane is going to crash into the Atlantic.

*shrugs her shoulders*

2007.

What a year.

I've lived, thought, experienced and felt so much this past year; it's impossible to put it all into words. It's been a rollercoaster of a ride, and I feel dizzy and confused from it all.

2008.

It's coming, and rather quickly.

I have no idea what it's going to bring, but I do know that it absolutely must bring certain meaningful changes.

That's my two cents on life.