Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It's Official: Germany ist a First World Country!

For those of you who keep up with international headlines, I'm sure you're aware of this already (or is my blog the first news source to officially announce it?) - but Germany has finally achieved the status of being a First World Country.  Amazing.  But how have they finally reached this goal?  What was the turning point?  What consequences will this have on travel, the economy, import/export and international relations?

Well, my Dear Readers, it's all due to Lip Smackers, the best brand of lip gloss in the world, and a trademark of developed First World Countries.  Kids, don't believe everything your Textbooks (or the internet) tells you: forget the Gross National Product and the Human Developtment Index!  The real indicator of developtment, and the most crucial factor in the definition of a First World Country is Strawberry-Kiwi Lip Smackers!

This afternoon I was out and about with a friend, and we discovered Lip Smackers for the first time in a German store.  Of course they didn't have the assortment that they have in the US, but this is forgivable - at least they've taken a step in the right direction.  Here is proof, my Dear Readers, that Coca-Cola Lip Smackers is now being sold in Germany:

Though this is a major step for Germany, the consequences on the US economy could be detrimental.  I am, after all, most likely the #1 US Customer.  This means that instead of stocking up on the Party Packs over Christmas, I might resort to purchasing Lip Smackers soley in Germany.  Hopefully the US companies will survive this incredible loss of turnover and be able to rebound without too many lay-offs.

That said, I would like to officially congratulate the Germans on their tremendous achievement, their hard work, and their investment in the future.  I would also like to encourage them to continue on this brave path, to continue taking these important steps forward, and to slowly broaden their horizons to not only offer Coca-Cola lip gloss, but also Dr. Pepper lip gloss, or fruity lip glosses, or maybe even glitter lip gloss.  The possibilites are unlimited.  The future is open.  Carpe Diem.

Friday, August 10, 2012

And she's (maybe, hopefully, who knows?) back!

Yes, my Dear Readers, it's been quite a while, but I might be back. There's nothing like a good wake-up call to make you remember the important things in life... and for me, it took 2.5 weeks of being bed-ridden to realize what's important... and that is, mocking anything and everything around me through an online blog that about 2-3 people read (hi Mom!). Ok, that sounds somewhat cynical... maybe we shouldn't call it "mocking", but "educated cultural commentary." Or something along those lines.

In light of the current US elections, I'd like to give you all a taste of what it's like to live in a country with socialized medicine. Why? Because Obama-Care needs to be voted OUT in the upcoming election.

Like I wrote, I've been sick for 2.5 weeks. Why? Because my doctor is too incompetent to diagnose a simple bacterial infection. She was convinced I had a migraine (although I only had one of the migraine symptoms*) and sent me to the neurologist, who sent me to the pharmacist, who told me to drink a strong cup of coffee because caffeine will cure any headache. Well, the coffee didn't really help, and after visiting the neurologist twice, he sent me back my original doctor, who then told me I was probably just feeling bad due to the weather or because of something "psychological" she can't fix.

Mary: "How can it be the weather? I've felt horrible for over two weeks now."
Doctor: "For some people it just takes longer to get used to the weather. Or maybe it's something psychological?"
Mary: "How should I know?"
Doctor: "Well how should I know?"
Mary: "If you don't know, then who can help me?"
Doctor: "How should I know? I know as much as you."
Mary: "Then check me in to the hospital for all I care, and they'll do a complete investigation."
Doctor: "Frau Barber, I'm not sending you to the hospital for a headache and a little nausea and dizziness."
Mary: "But it's been going on over two weeks. Then what about an antibiotic?"
Doctor: "Well your throat does look pretty bad, I guess I could prescribe you an antibiotic."
Mary: "Fabulous. And what if it's not better next week?"
Doctor: "Of course it'll be better by next week. It's an antibiotic."

Honestly folks, although it's great to be able to go to a doctor, what's the point of going to doctors who give you the wrong diagnoses and don't give a ****? Then I can just as well stay home and stay uninsured. But that's socialized healthcare for you.

Personally, I'd prefer no doctor than a socialized doctor who doesn't give a **** about their patients. And I'd prefer no diagnosis than a false diagnosis. And I'd prefer no medication than the wrong medication. So in the upcoming election, let's vote Obama-Care OUT!  Save the US from socialized health care!

And thanks again, Mom, not only for checking in with me on a daily basis, but also for the absentee voter card!  Hahaha!

*a headache