Thursday, January 14, 2010

Happy New Year?

Ah, 2010 has finally arrived. And with it, the chance to start anew, in a way. I've made a resolution (kind of a two-or-three-in-one-type-resolution) for this year, and all in all I'm pretty positive about 2010... after all, it can only get better after the Year from Emotional Hell.

Mary: *smiles bittersweetly and rolls her eyes*
Readers: "Year from Emotional Hell?"
Mary: "You don't want to know. Believe me."
Readers: "Hmm. Well, at least you're more positive about this year."
Mary: "I guess."
Readers: "So, what's the resolution?"

Well, it's a rather odd resolution... somewhat passive, and more of a damage-control measure than anything else. But then again, that's where I am at this point. So, for 2010, I've decided to try to stop hating people. There are certain people that I (unfortunately) absolutely hate, and I need to stop plotting their deaths and dwelling on it. Then, there's the fact that humanity as a whole (including myself) annoys me quite a bit. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I hate the human race, but a little more love wouldn't harm anyone.

Sometimes I feel like a cat who thinks she's a human, but has come to the horrifying conclusion that she's actually nothing more than a house pet. Those of you who have had pets will understand this, I'm sure. For some reason, I used to think that I would someday have all the answers, have everything under control, and achieve a sort of metaphorical godlike perfection. I knew I wasn't God... that's absurd and obvious... well... not THE GOD, of course... but maybe one of the immortals... one of the lower gods... yeah, that's me: a modern-day Artemis, or Venus, or Aphrodite, or Hera in the making. But no, I'm a mere mortal... a human, not a god... or, should I say, a pet cat and not a human.

Readers: "You've finally lost your mind."
Mary: "No, that happened long ago."
Readers: "And you seriously thought you were a sort of god?"
Mary: "Oh, it was more of a subconscious thing."
Readers: "Hmm."
Mary: "Yeah, it was a rough realization."

Why do I write this? Because I think it somehow plays a crucial role in the 2010 resolution. 99% of the time, I hate the fact that I'm part of the human race, I hate the fact that I have needs, I hate the fact that I'm not completely independent, and I hate the fact that I have no say in my own existence. And because I feel this way about myself, I tend to feel this way about other people as well. But, this year, that will hopefully start to change. I've been asking God to help me to forgive certain people, to stop hating certain people, and to give me a Christ-like love for humanity as a whole.

That's it.

We'll see what 2010 has in store for us...