You Can't Do It!

It's odd... sometimes, the thing that motivates me the most is when people have pretty much given up on me and told me that I'm unable to accomplish something. There's a certain unexplainable appeal in proving people wrong. In the past months, I've been performing well under my potential in quite a few areas... partially due to a huge amount of pressure and frustration, but also partially due to apathy (ok, that's synonymous for laziness... I admit it).

For example...

"I think the church finances are too much pressure for you... we're going to hand them over to someone else."

Then miraculously... the data seems to have taken care of itself.

Or... "You should consider checking yourself into a clinic."

And suddenly life seems a little less tragic and a little more humorous.

"Why don't you come home? You could stay with us while you're looking for a new job..."

Yet somehow the sun seems to shine a little brighter in Germany. For now, at least.

It's like when I was a child taking piano lessons... there was a constant battle with one of my piano teachers because she wanted me to play certain songs which were, in my opinion, rather dull. And I had my heart set on Chopin.

"Oh no, you're definitely not ready to play Chopin yet..."

And a month later I had mastered my first Chopin piece, completely on my own, to the amazement of my piano teacher.

TAKE THAT, WORLD!!!

:)

Regrets

I've been thinking about regrets quite a bit in the past weeks, and had an interesting conversation with my co-worker today on that very topic. She happens to have a different opinion than me on the matter, which is always good to hear. I tend to assume that most people think and see things the way I do, an assumption I've recently discovered to be somewhat off-base.

As a general rule, I only regret things that I have done, even if the decision to do Said Thing seemed right and logical at the time. And, interestingly, when thinking about it, most of my regrets have to do with interpersonal relationships. For example, I regret having spent so much time with a certain young man.* Although it may have seemed like the right thing at the time, and although we had a great deal in common, and quite a bit of fun together, I still regret every minute spent with him and every word shared with him.

In the same situation, my co-worker would claim that it was a good learning experience, even though it might have arguably been a "mistake", thinking that that particular man could be The Right One. She doesn't regret her mistakes, even if the consequences are somewhat unbearable.

Admirable. Is this normal?

On the other hand, I have rarely (if at all) regretted not doing something. There have been things that others have encouraged me to do, but for some reason I didn't want to, and until now there have fortunately been no regrets. For example, in high school, my mother wanted me to go to the Prom. She even told me that I'd probably regret not attending - it is, after all, a pretty important event in the life of a normal American high school student. But I stayed home (and probably read a book or played the piano), and to this day haven't regretted it. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of proud of the fact that I could do my own thing, stand against peer pressure, and not really care what others thought of me at a somewhat young age.

What about you all, my Dear Readers (if I still have Dear Readers... it has been a while...)? Do you tend to regret that which you have done? Or that which you haven't done? Or both? Or neither? It'd be interesting to hear some thoughts on the topic.


*this could be high school or college or post-college... the general idea and the regrets are the same. :)

Wherefore art Thou, March?

Have I mentioned how glad I'll be when February is over? I've been "alone" at work since the beginning of January*, and pulled off a monthly Book Closing on my own after having been in the States over the weekend for Kat's wedding. I was even pushing 40 hours without sleep... but, it was definitely worth it - I wouldn't have missed her wedding for the world. Let's just say life has taken it's toll on me in the past weeks.

And the fact that I work for a bi-polar German Spawn of Satan doesn't help.

And the fact that I had a sort of crisis last year around this time doesn't help.

And the fact that I spent the weekend crying because of a stupid book doesn't help. But for some reason, I can't stop reading it.

Do you know what would be nice? If I could just take a break from life... maybe a few months or so, or more... I feel like I'm in a glass fish bowl, trapped in murky water, unable to see clearly and unable to get out. I know there's something better, more beautiful, out there somewhere, but I'm so busy struggling to swim and stay alive, and the water is so cloudy, that I'm unable to see beyond the smudgy glass edges. It's not just physical barriers we're talking about... I also feel limited on an intellectual level, which sucks, because there are certain things I almost NEED to understand. Alas... someone ought to pick me up, shake me off, and set me down somewhere peaceful, warm and dry outside of this Universe.


*Germans have an average of six weeks of vacation per year... and my colleague decided to take five weeks off to go to Australia. Though I'm happy for her, it's forced me to live in survival mode for the past month, which has not been pretty.

Happy New Year?

Ah, 2010 has finally arrived. And with it, the chance to start anew, in a way. I've made a resolution (kind of a two-or-three-in-one-type-resolution) for this year, and all in all I'm pretty positive about 2010... after all, it can only get better after the Year from Emotional Hell.

Mary: *smiles bittersweetly and rolls her eyes*
Readers: "Year from Emotional Hell?"
Mary: "You don't want to know. Believe me."
Readers: "Hmm. Well, at least you're more positive about this year."
Mary: "I guess."
Readers: "So, what's the resolution?"

Well, it's a rather odd resolution... somewhat passive, and more of a damage-control measure than anything else. But then again, that's where I am at this point. So, for 2010, I've decided to try to stop hating people. There are certain people that I (unfortunately) absolutely hate, and I need to stop plotting their deaths and dwelling on it. Then, there's the fact that humanity as a whole (including myself) annoys me quite a bit. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I hate the human race, but a little more love wouldn't harm anyone.

Sometimes I feel like a cat who thinks she's a human, but has come to the horrifying conclusion that she's actually nothing more than a house pet. Those of you who have had pets will understand this, I'm sure. For some reason, I used to think that I would someday have all the answers, have everything under control, and achieve a sort of metaphorical godlike perfection. I knew I wasn't God... that's absurd and obvious... well... not THE GOD, of course... but maybe one of the immortals... one of the lower gods... yeah, that's me: a modern-day Artemis, or Venus, or Aphrodite, or Hera in the making. But no, I'm a mere mortal... a human, not a god... or, should I say, a pet cat and not a human.

Readers: "You've finally lost your mind."
Mary: "No, that happened long ago."
Readers: "And you seriously thought you were a sort of god?"
Mary: "Oh, it was more of a subconscious thing."
Readers: "Hmm."
Mary: "Yeah, it was a rough realization."

Why do I write this? Because I think it somehow plays a crucial role in the 2010 resolution. 99% of the time, I hate the fact that I'm part of the human race, I hate the fact that I have needs, I hate the fact that I'm not completely independent, and I hate the fact that I have no say in my own existence. And because I feel this way about myself, I tend to feel this way about other people as well. But, this year, that will hopefully start to change. I've been asking God to help me to forgive certain people, to stop hating certain people, and to give me a Christ-like love for humanity as a whole.

That's it.

We'll see what 2010 has in store for us...