Friday, October 09, 2009

The Translation Project (Ladies - let this be a warning!)

Living in a foreign country, I often find myself having to translate from one language into another. In the past years, however, German is not the only foreign language I've had to learn... recent discoveries have shown that men speak quite a different language than women. This means I have to not only translate from German into English or vice versa, but from Man-German to Woman-German to Woman-English. Or from Man-English to Woman-English. And let me tell you, folks, it's complicated.

I tend to think that men deliberately lie and manpulate, though I'm not quite sure this is correct. Maybe they simply speak a different language. Or maybe they actually mean what they say at the time they say it. You never know.

Anyway, for all you ladies out there, here is a list of things that guys have actually said to me in my life. And then there's the translation, which I unfortunately didn't realize until post-facto, after the rather fatal mistake of allowing myself to get in too deep.

Oh, no, I'm not bitter at all. Just slightly aggravated by my own idiocy in trusting and believing *ahem* certain people... and believe me, it's not going to happen again.

"I'll wait for you, no matter how long." = "I'll wait for you for a week or two."

"I'll wait for you, you're the only one I can imagine being with." = "I'll wait for you until I meet someone new."

"I'm not like other guys." = "I want you to believe that I'm not like other guys."

"You look beautiful, as always." = "I want to sleep with you."

"I love you." = "I want to sleep with you."

"I love you." = "Hmm, this silence is awkward and anything else I say might be wrong."

"I love you." = "Please don't be mad at me."

"I love you." = "I think I love you at this particular moment, but I might change my mind tomorrow."

"You're the one I've been looking for my entire life." = "I like you pretty much, but I think I'll still keep looking."

"I never want to lose you." = "Please don't break up with me... if anyone initiates a break-up, it's going to be me."

"I can't imagine being without you." = "My friends are out of town and there's nothing good on tv."

"You're the most important person in my life." = "You're the most important person other than myself. And the next girl who comes along and is slightly more interesting and pretty. And my friends. And a few other people, but you really are fairly important. Really."

"I'll call you tomorrow evening." = "I
might call you at some random point in the next month or so."

"What YOU want is the most important thing." = "What YOU want is pretty important, unless it coincides with what I want."

"I want to travel the world with you." = "I'm kind of bored today."

"I wrote this song/poem/whatever for you." = "Look how brilliant I am. Is it any good? Will the next girl like it too?"

"We should elope..." = "I'm really bored."

"We should elope..." = "I want to sleep with you."

"We should elope..." = "I don't have money for a wedding... I spent it all on alcohol and video games."

"Let's meet in Chicago - I have to see you." = "I want to sleep with you."

"You can trust me." = "I'm going to manipulate you."

"I'd never lie to you." = "I'm lying to you as we speak."

"I'll give you everything." = "I'll give you almost everything, but I might take it all back tomorrow."

"I'll come back for you... I'll find you no matter what." = "I'll come back for you unless I meet someone else and forget you."

There you have it. :) To any guys reading this, if you're offended, then I'm kind of sorry. Yes, you read correctly - only kind of. :) Maybe this will encourage you to re-consider before you say or promise something you haven't thoroughly thought through.


Anonymous said...

What a great example of how fickle we are (yes, even the ladies) when we're controlled by our emotions. I think we all probably really believe it when we say it...but then act on feelings, instead of what's right. Relationships are definitely complicated -- but I think worth it, don't you?

Mary Elizabeth said...

Mamita :) Yeah, that's the big question... and at this point, I'd have to say no, it's definitely not worth it.