Regrets

I've been thinking about regrets quite a bit in the past weeks, and had an interesting conversation with my co-worker today on that very topic. She happens to have a different opinion than me on the matter, which is always good to hear. I tend to assume that most people think and see things the way I do, an assumption I've recently discovered to be somewhat off-base.

As a general rule, I only regret things that I have done, even if the decision to do Said Thing seemed right and logical at the time. And, interestingly, when thinking about it, most of my regrets have to do with interpersonal relationships. For example, I regret having spent so much time with a certain young man.* Although it may have seemed like the right thing at the time, and although we had a great deal in common, and quite a bit of fun together, I still regret every minute spent with him and every word shared with him.

In the same situation, my co-worker would claim that it was a good learning experience, even though it might have arguably been a "mistake", thinking that that particular man could be The Right One. She doesn't regret her mistakes, even if the consequences are somewhat unbearable.

Admirable. Is this normal?

On the other hand, I have rarely (if at all) regretted not doing something. There have been things that others have encouraged me to do, but for some reason I didn't want to, and until now there have fortunately been no regrets. For example, in high school, my mother wanted me to go to the Prom. She even told me that I'd probably regret not attending - it is, after all, a pretty important event in the life of a normal American high school student. But I stayed home (and probably read a book or played the piano), and to this day haven't regretted it. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of proud of the fact that I could do my own thing, stand against peer pressure, and not really care what others thought of me at a somewhat young age.

What about you all, my Dear Readers (if I still have Dear Readers... it has been a while...)? Do you tend to regret that which you have done? Or that which you haven't done? Or both? Or neither? It'd be interesting to hear some thoughts on the topic.


*this could be high school or college or post-college... the general idea and the regrets are the same. :)

Wherefore art Thou, March?

Have I mentioned how glad I'll be when February is over? I've been "alone" at work since the beginning of January*, and pulled off a monthly Book Closing on my own after having been in the States over the weekend for Kat's wedding. I was even pushing 40 hours without sleep... but, it was definitely worth it - I wouldn't have missed her wedding for the world. Let's just say life has taken it's toll on me in the past weeks.

And the fact that I work for a bi-polar German Spawn of Satan doesn't help.

And the fact that I had a sort of crisis last year around this time doesn't help.

And the fact that I spent the weekend crying because of a stupid book doesn't help. But for some reason, I can't stop reading it.

Do you know what would be nice? If I could just take a break from life... maybe a few months or so, or more... I feel like I'm in a glass fish bowl, trapped in murky water, unable to see clearly and unable to get out. I know there's something better, more beautiful, out there somewhere, but I'm so busy struggling to swim and stay alive, and the water is so cloudy, that I'm unable to see beyond the smudgy glass edges. It's not just physical barriers we're talking about... I also feel limited on an intellectual level, which sucks, because there are certain things I almost NEED to understand. Alas... someone ought to pick me up, shake me off, and set me down somewhere peaceful, warm and dry outside of this Universe.


*Germans have an average of six weeks of vacation per year... and my colleague decided to take five weeks off to go to Australia. Though I'm happy for her, it's forced me to live in survival mode for the past month, which has not been pretty.

Happy New Year?

Ah, 2010 has finally arrived. And with it, the chance to start anew, in a way. I've made a resolution (kind of a two-or-three-in-one-type-resolution) for this year, and all in all I'm pretty positive about 2010... after all, it can only get better after the Year from Emotional Hell.

Mary: *smiles bittersweetly and rolls her eyes*
Readers: "Year from Emotional Hell?"
Mary: "You don't want to know. Believe me."
Readers: "Hmm. Well, at least you're more positive about this year."
Mary: "I guess."
Readers: "So, what's the resolution?"

Well, it's a rather odd resolution... somewhat passive, and more of a damage-control measure than anything else. But then again, that's where I am at this point. So, for 2010, I've decided to try to stop hating people. There are certain people that I (unfortunately) absolutely hate, and I need to stop plotting their deaths and dwelling on it. Then, there's the fact that humanity as a whole (including myself) annoys me quite a bit. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I hate the human race, but a little more love wouldn't harm anyone.

Sometimes I feel like a cat who thinks she's a human, but has come to the horrifying conclusion that she's actually nothing more than a house pet. Those of you who have had pets will understand this, I'm sure. For some reason, I used to think that I would someday have all the answers, have everything under control, and achieve a sort of metaphorical godlike perfection. I knew I wasn't God... that's absurd and obvious... well... not THE GOD, of course... but maybe one of the immortals... one of the lower gods... yeah, that's me: a modern-day Artemis, or Venus, or Aphrodite, or Hera in the making. But no, I'm a mere mortal... a human, not a god... or, should I say, a pet cat and not a human.

Readers: "You've finally lost your mind."
Mary: "No, that happened long ago."
Readers: "And you seriously thought you were a sort of god?"
Mary: "Oh, it was more of a subconscious thing."
Readers: "Hmm."
Mary: "Yeah, it was a rough realization."

Why do I write this? Because I think it somehow plays a crucial role in the 2010 resolution. 99% of the time, I hate the fact that I'm part of the human race, I hate the fact that I have needs, I hate the fact that I'm not completely independent, and I hate the fact that I have no say in my own existence. And because I feel this way about myself, I tend to feel this way about other people as well. But, this year, that will hopefully start to change. I've been asking God to help me to forgive certain people, to stop hating certain people, and to give me a Christ-like love for humanity as a whole.

That's it.

We'll see what 2010 has in store for us...

The Translation Project (Ladies - let this be a warning!)

Living in a foreign country, I often find myself having to translate from one language into another. In the past years, however, German is not the only foreign language I've had to learn... recent discoveries have shown that men speak quite a different language than women. This means I have to not only translate from German into English or vice versa, but from Man-German to Woman-German to Woman-English. Or from Man-English to Woman-English. And let me tell you, folks, it's complicated.

I tend to think that men deliberately lie and manpulate, though I'm not quite sure this is correct. Maybe they simply speak a different language. Or maybe they actually mean what they say at the time they say it. You never know.

Anyway, for all you ladies out there, here is a list of things that guys have actually said to me in my life. And then there's the translation, which I unfortunately didn't realize until post-facto, after the rather fatal mistake of allowing myself to get in too deep.

Oh, no, I'm not bitter at all. Just slightly aggravated by my own idiocy in trusting and believing *ahem* certain people... and believe me, it's not going to happen again.

"I'll wait for you, no matter how long." = "I'll wait for you for a week or two."

"I'll wait for you, you're the only one I can imagine being with." = "I'll wait for you until I meet someone new."

"I'm not like other guys." = "I want you to believe that I'm not like other guys."

"You look beautiful, as always." = "I want to sleep with you."

"I love you." = "I want to sleep with you."

"I love you." = "Hmm, this silence is awkward and anything else I say might be wrong."

"I love you." = "Please don't be mad at me."

"I love you." = "I think I love you at this particular moment, but I might change my mind tomorrow."

"You're the one I've been looking for my entire life." = "I like you pretty much, but I think I'll still keep looking."

"I never want to lose you." = "Please don't break up with me... if anyone initiates a break-up, it's going to be me."

"I can't imagine being without you." = "My friends are out of town and there's nothing good on tv."

"You're the most important person in my life." = "You're the most important person other than myself. And the next girl who comes along and is slightly more interesting and pretty. And my friends. And a few other people, but you really are fairly important. Really."

"I'll call you tomorrow evening." = "I might call you at some random point in the next month or so."

"What YOU want is the most important thing." = "What YOU want is pretty important, unless it coincides with what I want."

"I want to travel the world with you." = "I'm kind of bored today."

"I wrote this song/poem/whatever for you." = "Look how brilliant I am. Is it any good? Will the next girl like it too?"

"We should elope..." = "I'm really bored."

"We should elope..." = "I want to sleep with you."

"We should elope..." = "I don't have money for a wedding... I spent it all on alcohol and video games."

"Let's meet in Chicago - I have to see you." = "I want to sleep with you."

"You can trust me." = "I'm going to manipulate you."

"I'd never lie to you." = "I'm lying to you as we speak."

"I'll give you everything." = "I'll give you almost everything, but I might take it all back tomorrow."

"I'll come back for you... I'll find you no matter what." = "I'll come back for you unless I meet someone else and forget you."

There you have it. :) To any guys reading this, if you're offended, then I'm kind of sorry. Yes, you read correctly - only kind of. :) Maybe this will encourage you to re-consider before you say or promise something you haven't thoroughly thought through.

Truth is confusing...

I was thinking about Truth the other day, and came to the conclusion (not that I personally define truth) that it's something eternal, or at least I hope it is... otherwise I might as well throw myself into the Rhine.

Truth must be eternal in the sense that it's neither time- nor emotion- nor personal-philosophy- nor situation-dependent. It's true no matter who you are, no matter where you are, and no matter what you are thinking and feeling.

Is something true if I think I can prove it? If a genius can supposedly prove it? If it makes sense? Is something a lie if the speaker is ignorant? If the speaker is careless? If the speaker means what's said at the time, but regrets it later? That is, can Truth turn into a lie?

*shrugs her shoulders*

Verdammt. I chose the wrong painting.

Ah, a revelation has struck... do you guys remember when I was trying to make a decision about which painting to choose? Well, folks, I chose the wrong painting last June, which rather unfortunately resulted in the following painting:




And now, in a way, I'm at the cross-roads again, and still don't know what's right and what's wrong, or even what I want for that matter.* On the bright side, however, there are a few things I know I don't want, and people I don't particularly want to see, and I'm not afraid to say so, and to say no.

*But I do know one thing: plaid pink and white is pretty darn cute.

Hmm.

For some reason, I can't seem to get anything done this year, including updating my blog. I actually wanted the next post to include pictures from Emita's wedding, but for some reason it's difficult to get them downloaded from the camera and uploaded into the net. Just like I can't seem to empty my mailbox (Bizarro Mom gets pretty upset about this) or turn in my tax forms or mop the floors or go grocery shopping.

Sometimes, however, there are simply more important things... such as remodeling, glittery-purple suits of armour, trying to live in denial, taking walks along the autobahn at 3 AM, and avoiding people.

Like you all know, it's been a rough year, and I'm still recovering from certain aspects of it, but all in all things are getting better. I've gone from bawling every day to wanting to hire a hit-man (which I still wouldn't mind doing) to attempting to find some balanced middle ground. It's tough sometimes, and all-too-often I desperately want out, but what's one to do? On a somewhat serious note (sorry in advance if this offends someone), I decided when I was 15 or 16 not to ever commit suicide, no matter how hard things get. Sometimes I think that was one of the best decisions I've made, and sometimes I think it was one of the worst. But it was a deicision, and a right decision at that, so we'll stick with it.

Change of topic: does anyone know where you can get pictures custom-framed for pretty cheap? I've got a picture that's 60 by 120 cm, which is a rather abnormal shape, and I can't find any frame it'll fit in. :( It's a hand-painting of deep pink and yellow lotus blossoms, from China.

And talking of art... some idiot in Britain stole a collection of Andy Warhol art from a millionaire. How dumb is that? What's he going to do, sell it? Hang it up? Each piece is individual... one-of-a-kind ... seriously folks... and Andy Warhol? Sure, he's ok, but if you're going to steal art, steal something a little classier, a little more romantic, impressionistic, pastel, French. Oh well.

Jaja, das wars...

Time flies when you're having fun

Yes, it's been well over a month since I've last written, and the original deadline was one month, but for some reason I needed a little more time. As most of my Dear Readers know, I have what I refer to as "Phases", and this particular Phase was slightly more horrid than most. But, like any situation in life, you live and learn, and hopefully don't repeat your mistakes. Though I unfortunately have a way of repeating mine, but we won't go there.

In the last couple of days or so, I've been doing rather well, which is an absolute miracle. So well, in fact, that I almost got in a car wreck, semi-overdosed on prescription meds, sewed a cute summer-skirt, refer to one of my best friends as an ass, chew out strangers at the supermarket (darn, I'm seriously turning into a German!), bought a pink ice-cream scoop, and pretty much do what I feel like doing. I've even turned into an occasional-you-know-what, which isn't exactly fabulous, but it's definitely better than bawling continuously. On top of that, I'm a brutal damage-inflicting Priestess when I'm not sitting in the office crunching numbers.

I've debated whether or not I should post some of the things I've had to deal with and think through in my life... in the hope of helping someone else know that they're not alone in their struggles, or know that they can overcome certain struggles.

Thoughts? Opinions? To what extent ought one publish personal crap in the internet? :)

There you have my life update, folks, hot off the press and as exciting as ever.

It's that time again...

... just so everyone knows, I've decided to take a break from writing to figure some stuff out. I'll probably need a month or so.

Scarborough or Cecily?

So... I bought a new car today... it was kind of a spontaneous thing, but I think it was the right decision. Hehe. And now I need a name for her.

I have Issues (and need a Hit-Man)

So I'm going to be brutally honest: this week was absolutely horrid, and I've cried more in the past week than in 2008. At least I know I have a heart... which I was beginning to question because it'd been a tear-free-half-year, which is abnormal for my melancholy self. But alas, the tides, along with the tears, have returned, and there could be another season of cynical poetry and mad creativity.

Why is it that when it hurts the most, you're the most creative? Is it some sort of outlet? Is it some sort of evil joke the Universe plays on you?

I think, though, that I'm moving from the Sad Phase to the Livid Phase, which is an excellent step in a somewhat wrong direction, but at least it's a different direction, and at least I'm adjusting my Hit-List as opposed to my Will. You've got to see the bright side of things.

*Pssst*

I've kind of forsaken my blog lately... it's not as if nothing's going on... there most certainly is... it's just stuff I really ought not publish online. My reputation! My honour! My dignity! My sanity! The irony is that at this point, I could turn about 90% of my life into a best-selling novel. The other 10%, that is, the uninteresting part, is when I'm sleeping without dreaming weird stuff (7.45%) or being my Ninja-Alter-Ego (2.55%).

That's all for now...

Lalala

I love our little Bible Study group, and last Tuesday was especially interesting. The topic was redemption, and we got into a rather heated debate as to whether someone can "lose" their salvation or not, specifically, if they deliberately "choose" to. You know you're in Germany when Bible Study turns into a screaming argument.

And you know you're in the States when the huge black security woman at the airport calls you "baby doll." That's normal.

It feels like I was never even in the States at all. There are half a million things I have to get done, and there's so much going on... it's hard to believe I even had vacation. I feel like I go from one project or one drama to the next, which is of course interesting, but sometimes I imagine how lovely a little peace of mind would be.

Actually, everything is going rather well at the moment. There's no way to see into the future, of course, but I have the feeling that something major is going to change in the next year or two or so. And it's kind of scary. But, to quote my dear Katinka, "It'll all work out."

Sun and Snow

To Whomever it might interest or concern, I made it back safely to Germany. This time, the only drama was having to go tearing through the airport to catch my international flight, and making it there just as everyone was finishing boarding. But I made it, unlike last year. Life gets better every day.

I've been wanting to post some pictures, but have somehow succesfully procrastinated getting anything done (or maybe it's because I'm too busy being my Ninja-Alter-Ego with fiery poisonous darts)... but as soon as I get the pictures uploaded, I'll post them.

The trip back home this year was great - time with my family, a get-together at our house, a trip to Mexico, coffee by the gallon, running through the dark after wild pigs, sunny weather, and of course a ton of cards. What makes me happiest is that everyone is doing well. That's huge.

My first several days back were great, though I'd best leave the highlights unpublished. Today was the perfect first day of work: driving my car an hour through the snow, working 13.5 hours straight, and dealing with a horrid stomach ache. But thanks to a bar of chocolate, I survived.

Sisters

It's the Return of the Barber Girls! :)


And it's amazing how immature we can be when we're finally together again. Fun times. :)

Stupid visa drama

I feel like I've forsaken my blog... I guess it's because quite a bit has been going on, both in my head and in my little world, and I've spent more time thinking and talking than publishing my life stories in the internet. But whatever. Whatever, I tell you. It's all under control.

Why does drama always happen to me? Last night, a friend was here and she was looking at my visa. The conversation was so typical of Life Abroad in Mary's World:

Friend: "Nice Visa."
Mary: "Thanks."
Friend: "Hey, you know your living permit expired two months ago."
Mary: "Crap. What?"
Friend: "Yeah, October 2008."
Mary: "I knew I was forgetting something."

So of course I'm worried that when I LEAVE THE COUNTRY IN THREE DAYS, they're not going to let me back in cause my freaking permit expired. So I spent half the morning frantically calling the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, trying to get stuff straightened out. And now I have to drive to Wesel on Friday morning, the day before I fly. Why me? But at least my life is rarely boring.

By the way, I'm not really a Financial Analyst... I'm a Ninja with firey poisonous darts.

Books and Beauty

So I discovered the Library at the Duisburg-Essen University... it's like a little island of Paradise in a harsh, cold, world. Nah, not really, I'm actually doing surprisingly manically well. And I have a book of Hopkins poetry! Adrenaline rush! Here's an excerpt from Pied Beauty.

Glory be to God for...
...All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.

For those who care, my all-time favourite poem is also by him (thus the book choice): The Windhover.

Chocolate!

So... I found chocolate in my mailbox today and I don't know who it's from! There was no note, nothing. But it was definitely some of my favourite chocolate - the kind with strawberry yoghurt, mmm. :) I've already asked several people but no one seems to know anything. I think I have an Admirer. Or someone who wants to poison me.

Perspectives

This is one of my new favourite pictures - it's Maurice and me renovating (or not) at Mariposa's. I call it "Resting after a hard day's work in Essen." But he called it "The Shoot-out." It all depends on how you look at it.

I'd kind of like to change some stuff around in my appartment... for example... painting a Monet mural on the wall, or painting "clouds" on the ceiling.

Politics and Pageants

I think the US Presidential Elections are the men's version of the Miss America Beauty Pageant. If women strive to be beautiful and loved, then Miss America is the Ultimate: she's loved, she's lovely, she's wanted, and all this on an official national level, sealed with a diamond-studded-princess-tiara. What more could a girl want? And if men strive for respect and admiration, then which man wouldn't want to be the President? After all, it's the highest, most respected position in one of the most influential countries in the world.

So, men and women of America, let the competition begin. For women, the most important part of the competition is looking good, whether it be in an every-day-dress, an evening gown, or even no clothes at all. This, my Dear Readers, is the message we want to send our future generation of women. For men, the most important part of the competition is the debate, and out-witting your opponent. You don't even have to say anything intelligent or relevant yourself... as long as you keep the debate going and make your opponent look like an idiot every now and then, then you're doing your job. And you're manly and respected.

I've never been that big into politics... which is odd, because I'm quite the Idealist. Maybe it's because I believe that it's the every-day-people and the little things that make the real, tangible difference, and not some politician. Sure, a politician has influence in the long-run and in the Big Picture... but I'm so trapped in my own Little World that it's sometimes hard to see the Big Picture until years later. Or maybe it's because I'm a frustrated, pessimistic Idealist.