Hats are the new Cool

And pale is the new tan. I think Mariposa and I are going to start a new trend. Take that, Cosmopolitan. One month and we'll be on the cover.


I hope Mariposa doesn't kill me for posting this.

No.

Slowly but surely, I'm learning the art of saying "no." When someone asks me to do something, it's extremely difficult for me not to just drop everything and immediately help, whatever form of help that might be, and however inconvenient it might be for me. But I'm learning that it's impossible to make everyone happy, and that I can't do everything for everyone, and that I'm not responsible for solving everyone's problems. I'd love to be able to do that, but it's simply not possible. Thus the infamous "no."

Yup.

Indeed.

Disconnected indeed. As of yesterday, I have internet again... why? Because I *ahem* forgot to pay my telephone and internet bill. Which isn't that impressive given the fact that (1) I work in the Finance Department and (2) I'm the church accountant. Things like that make me wonder what else I've "verpennt."

Naja.

On the positive side, I've finished reading Reaching for the Invisible God by Yancey (recommended by a friend), which has helped me sort through some crap and has shed new light on a few Issues. Things are starting to make sense... that is, they're actually not making sense... I'm just learning for the Nth time that I can't understand everything and that I'm not God. How much longer is it going to take before I get it?

I've been feeling antsy lately, like something needs to change. That's dangerous. In the past, that feeling has led to changing schools, moving to foreign countries, or taking chocolate out of my diet.

Yancey wrote that Truth is extreme. It's neither "in the middle" nor at one extreme... it's BOTH extremes. At the same time. That's kind of how my life is at the moment. One moment I feel extremely happy, like I could conquer the world, but the next moment I want to drive my car into oncoming traffic. One moment I feel loved and understood (it's a weird feeling), but the next moment I think it's impossible for anyone to love or understand me. One moment I want to help everyone, be there for everyone, but the next moment I have to be alone. It's like internal manic episodes.

A friend celebrated her Birthday last Tuesday, which was fun. (I'm glad you decided to do something after all!) :) It was both weird and nice being in a group of girls my own age. I only have a couple girl friends my own age (though one is 3 years younger).

Last night was hilarious - I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Two friends were in Denmark on the Logos Hope for a couple of weeks, and they got back last night. And they brought a guy from Sri Lanka with them. Talk about butchered-ship-slang-English. I about died laughing.

The doorbell rang last night at about 20:30

Mary: "Who's there?"
Unknown Person: "Will you go to Denmark with us?"
Mary: "Of course!!"
Person: "Ok, let's go."
Mary: "I'm in my PJs, let me put some jeans on first."
Person: "So are you going to let us in the building, or should we wait outside?"
Mary: "Is it raining?"
Person: "Yeah."
*runs downstairs*
Mary: "I missed you."
Person: "I know."
Mary: "So when are we leaving?"
Person: "Can I have something to eat first?"
Mary: "Raspberry-blackberry yogurt?"

I have the weirdest conversations. But I think a few of us are going to drive to Denmark next Sunday... the Sri Lankan dude has to get back somehow, and now we have an excuse to make another roadtrip. :)

I've figured out why I'm so passive sometimes: because I hate making mistakes and hate hurting people. I'd rather do nothing than do the wrong thing. Though doing nothing is itself sometimes the wrong decision. Double jeopardy! Sometimes I can't do anything right.

The world is good. The world is fallen. The world can be redeemed. Life is kind of the same way, I think. Ah, the dichotomy of it all.

Disconnected?

So... I'm kind of freaking out because my phone isn't working and I wanted to call my Dad. I'm definitely unable to make phone calls, and I'm afraid that I'm also unable to receive calls. Strangely enough, the internet is working, meaning they haven't totally disconnected me.

Ok. I admit I pay my bills late almost every month... but do I really deserve this?

I just want to talk with my Dad! Nothing more, nothing less. :(

One possibility would be to run up the church phone bill by making international calls... I am the church accountant after all... so I could calculate a monthly average and then pay the difference in July. Desperate times call for desperate measures. :)

Anyway. Those who might try to reach me via the land line (Festnetz), you can forget it for the moment.

Slowww Motion

I feel like my life is moving in slow motion at the moment, which is odd because time has the tendency to fly. And I feel like an outside observer - watching myself move from one confusing situation into the next. It's weird. Like an amateur theater piece whose plot and characters I can control and influence to a certain extent.

Sometimes I kind of want out. And when I think about it, it wasn't even my decision to be here in the first place. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong place. Or the wrong continent. Or the wrong century. Or the wrong planet. Or the wrong dimension. But that's a topic we'll leave for another day.

Dots and Lines

Which Monet painting do you like better? And why?






This is more important than some of you might think. Each painting represents a different path of life, a different set of decisions, a different manner of thinking, a different way of interacting with people. I think one of these paintings is going to be my "Theme" painting (usually I have a theme song or saying) in the next phase of life.

And now the burning question is which one.

Yup.

I need something tangible, something visible, something concrete. Like dots and lines from the 19th century.

Life.

*takes a two-week-or-so break to write other things*

What's one to do...?

I just want to be...


... I think the spaced- out- dreaming- slightly- emotional- romantic- in- the- unromantic- sense- idealist is somehow becoming stronger. And the fact that I'm not alone on this psyched- out- free- falling- wavelength doesn't help the situation. Or maybe it does. It depends.

I love the sea. I love when the sun's shining and you can float in the water. I love watching the waves when it's over-cast and windy. I love looking into the vast distance. I love racing bare-foot across the sand.

Sometimes there are moments in life you wish would never end.

I've had people tell me they can't imagine what Heaven would be like, wondering what they'll be doing for eternity, and whether or not it will be boring. I don't understand that kind of thinking. Though I'm the first to confess my own extreme pessimism, I also have to say that I've had enough (I can count them on one hand, probably) moments where I wished time would just freeze for eternity and I'd be happy.

La la la.

Ca-la-la-la-lais

This weekend was slightly out of control. To make a long story short, a friend and I decided Saturday morning to spontaneously drive to Calais, France. After making it through Belgium and France, my poor sweet Scaramouche freaked out at a gas station at 3:00 AM in Holland and wouldn't start.

Have any of you tried to sleep in a car at a gas station on the German-Dutch border? Not cool. Especially with a faint stench of brie in the car.

But at least the landscape was beautifully green, the windy picnic in the hills was lovely, and we got to splash around in the English Channel. Life doesn't get much better than that.

I'll post some pictures later... I think I'm going to go to bed now. Yay for sleeping in my own bed as opposed to a Volkswagen passenger seat.

House-hunting and Revenge and Strawberry Ice Cream

A decision has been made! I've decided to go with Letter C on the second question, meaning I'll be rolling in the dough in a couple of months. You don't believe me? Wait and see. Frau Barber the Money-Laundering Monster is about too have her revenge for the chauvenistic office crap she's been forced to deal with.

Which means... I'm going to have several million extra Euros floating around. So I've decided to purchase a house. A couple of weeks ago I was with my friend Penelope (hehe, you probably won't like that code name) in Krefeld and we found a couple of potential houses.


A pink mansion... what could be better? I think that if I lived there, I'd always be happy and sweet and summery. Like strawberries & cream ice cream. Maybe that's the answer to life's questions: eating strawbery ice cream on the front porch of your pink mansion and thinking happy thoughts.

No, seriously, I wouldn't really want to live in a mansion... it's too large, too "spiessig", and too much work.

We continued walking down the street and came across the cutest quaintest little cottage... now that's the type of house I'd seriously like to live in. But not in the middle of the city... in the middle of the country.

And I'd have a strawberry patch in the garden in the back. Is this not the most adorable little house?

Anyway...

Strawberries are sweet, but revenge is sweeter. Muahahaha.

Floating, Falling...

I feel like I'm wading in very dangerous water. It's like this: a while ago, I somehow got distracted while wandering down this winding path called Life and ended up standing on the side of a river.




I realized I had wandered from the path, but it looked safe enough until I faintly saw a sign in the distance. Instead of turning back to continue on the path, I made my way toward the sign, to discover "Deadly Current" written in hand-painted red letters. Again, instead of turning back, I decided to simply feel the water with my finger-tips. Nothing harmful, of course. And then I decided to cool my feet. Before I knew it I was wading. Now I'm standing in the water, feeling the current pull me further away from the riverbank, and wondering whether to throw myself in or to turn around. But is it too late to turn back? Would I even find the way back to the original path? Is there really a Point of No Return?

This picture was taken in Hollandia, by the way.

Work Vocabulary Test

Though I've been here a couple of years, I still have a ton to learn vocabulary-wise. Especially at work. Yes, I can speak German for the most part, but there are still quite a few words I've yet to learn.

Here are some words I've learned at work recently... just normal every day words.

der Rechtsverdreher: Lawyer

I always thought "Rechtsanwalt" was "lawyer", but was evidently wrong.

das Irrenhaus: company headquarters

der Henker: Boss

Doesn't "Chef" mean "Boss"? This was slightly confusing.

der Verdacht: suspicion

seine Pappenheimer kennen: to know your co-workers

abzocken: to rip off or screw

(I'm not going to even say in which context this was used.)

die Einzelwertberichtigung: bad debt

Yay for long German words.

willkuerlich: arbitrarily, at random, haphazardly

(This word should be non-existent in a Finance Department, if you ask me.)

Hopefully this'll give you a taste of what goes on at work. :)

20k!

Yup. Twenty-freaking-thousand. Plus a few more.

Hey people looking out the window...

... at the city below. Hey people looking out the window, you'll be gone tomorrow.



This is what Springtime looks like through the church window. Not that I was distracted by a Certain Someone during the sermon and was taking pictures. I've always liked huge open windows... especially stained glass ones in gothic cathedrals. My life, though, has more walls than windows... thick brick walls that no one understands or can break through. Nothing like pretty open sunshiny windows where you can feel the colours of Spring. Nope. Dark, towering walls that have taken years to build, and will probably take years to crumble, if at all. Yes, I love being dramatic. And I'm seriously doing wonderfully well (in the emotional sense). Otherwise I couldn't write this kind of stuff.

On a lighter note, I almost drove off the edge of a hill on a moped today. A friend has a new moped and wanted to teach me how to drive it, and I agreed to do so on the condition that he sit behind me and make sure I don't total it (or myself). After driving a few rounds, he told me to give it gas, and then he jumped off! I about had heart failure.

What's with guys saying one thing and doing another? Would someone please explain this to me?

On an even lighter note, I'm trying to learn metal piano. There's nothing like a metal band gone soft (think: Hello or Good Enough by Evanescence. Now THAT'S what I call a work of art).

Oh where, oh where, oh where to go?

Ok, it's time for a Blog Poll because the Blog seems to have taken a turn, and I'm not sure where we're headed in the future. And I'm not sure what my Dear Readers would prefer reading. So... some feedback from you all would be nice.

Please fill out the following questionnaire and return it to me by a strict deadline of your choice. Feel free to select multiple answers.

Mary and her Blog should:
(a) return to light-hearted writings about cultural and language issues, and every-day experiences in the foreign country that is Germany. Forget the psychological drama.
(b) focus more on the Psychological, as she's done in the past several blogs. The weirder, the better.
(c) come out of the closet with her poetry. The darker, the better.
(d) write whatever she feels like on any given day. Who cares?
(e) quit writing. Who reads this crap anyway?
(f) other: ______________________________________

Mary should:
(a) quit work to start a band and live in a van down by the river
(b) plan her vacation around meteor showers
(c) climb the corporate ladder, turn into a money-laundering monster, write a book about how she did it, and retire next year
(d) move to Fiji. Or Somalia. Or Macedonia
(e) go on Ritalin
(f) other: ______________________________________

Hello. Hello! Hello?

I've reached a new level of over-analysis. Over-complicating and over-analyzing even the simplest of things has always been one of my hobbies (or obsessions? or addictions?). As Syd once said, "Why Simple when it can be Complicated?" And I completely agree. Though I do have to admit that it's sometimes a complete waste of mental energy.

Nonetheless.

My newest Analysis Project consists of two little letters (well, one is capital) and an exclamation point. Who would have thought that my past would come back to haunt me in such a simple, unexpected, bizarre form? Not I. But then again, we all know that my life is anything but normal, tainted by a shadowed past and a recently-discoverered-self-constructed-walled-in present.

*crumble crumble crumble*

It's a mystery.

Life is a work in progress... or a work in destruction, depending on your current state and point of view.

At least I can joke about it - that's a huge step, and it proves that I can deal with stuff and move on. "Moving on" encompassing everything from the occasional psychological success to bailing out to a foreign country. Sometimes you just have to take a leap and pray you'll fly.

In the Sky with Diamonds...

Lately I've felt like I'm on a mixture of creative trip and energy high, and I can't explain it. Maybe it's the talking, or the writing, or the extra time, or Sebastian, or honesty, or the Music, or being understood to a certain extent.

A lot is going on, and quite a bit of it is rather draining... but then again, that's much different than drowning, which is what normally happens.

I also feel more free than ever before... like certain things aren't tying me down and suffocating me anymore...

... the wall is slowly crumbling, and it's a beautiful thing.

I think I'm paranoid. And complicated.

I feel understood. Really understood. It's a strange, good, terrifying, weird, relieved, creepy feeling and I don't know if I like it. I'm supposed to be misunderstood... complication is my claim to fame, after all.

I don't understand.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

To translate, "Mary's freaking out because certain people understand her to a certain extent and she's not used to it, and she feels like she's gone too far intellectually and emotionally. She wants to write about it on her blog cause it's a big deal to her, but she can't find the words to express it, so she generated random Latin text and posted that instead. She might even be losing her mind."

Am I weird?

I know where the Summer goes...

Could someone please tell me where the Summer is? Has she lost her way? Has she given up? Were the winter winds too strong?

I think I'll write a song about it...

The Past

It's coming back to haunt me! But that's ok because the present is both bright and manageable and the future is... em... I don't know yet.

As Beck would say, "Man weiss es nicht."