Thoughts and Stories from Life Abroad

They did WHAT?

2011-05-05T11:07:00.003+02:00

Given the recent world events, I suddenly feel the urge to re-awaken my blog and give my two-cents-worth. After all, it's not every day that one of the most powerful nations in the world executes a stealth operation, undetected by local military forces, assassinating the most-wanted terrorist of modern times. When I first read the news, it shocked me...

Euro-Mary: "Oh my goodness, typical America! What have they done? What are they thinking?"
US-Mary: "Emmm..."
Euro-Mary: "That's just not normal... assassinating someone, dumping his body into the Arabian Sea, openly admitting it on public television, and being fully supported by the entire nation..."
US-Mary: "But murdering thousands of innocent people as a self-proclaimed terrorist-mastermind isn't exactly normal, either..."
Euro-Mary: "But is that right? Is that justice?"
US-Mary: "This is WAR."

One thing that surprised me is the reaction of most Germans I've talked to... for some reason I expected most people here to be somewhat skeptical and even appalled with the recent events (as I was at first), but that's definitely not the case. Even the German Chancellor was quoted saying she supports the actions of the US. Ok, one could argue that it's due to their love-affair with Obama... if Bush had authorized such an assassination, the reaction would have been somewhat different (think: anti-American hate-Fest)... hmm...

Sure, there are many unanswered questions, which is great feed for conspiracy theorists, which is great reading for me when my co-worker is on a cigarette break and I don't really feel like working, either. But seriously, folks, how could Osama be camping out in a mega-fortress in the backyard of the Pakistani-Westpoint-Equivalent for years without the ISI realizing it? And did the US-Government really execute this mission, or was it Aliens? After all, the "helicopters" were undetected in the Pakistani airspace, able to conduct a 40-minute raid without military interference. Brilliant. This is ample proof that Extraterrestrials actually conducted the assassination. Why haven't photos of the corpse been released? Were vegetables the only things grown in the self-sufficient Waziristan compound gardens, or was Marijuana also involved? How could accurate DNA-tests be conducted in such a short time? Should a trial have been held? What did Osama do in his spare time without television and internet access? Wouldn't that be dreadfully boring? And the list of questions goes on...

Questions aside, I've got to hand it to the US Government for taking such swift and deliberate action here... which is something I wouldn't expect from the Obama administration (unless the issue is destroying the country's health care system).

Go Amis.

You Can't Do It!

2010-05-03T19:19:00.005+02:00

It's odd... sometimes, the thing that motivates me the most is when people have pretty much given up on me and told me that I'm unable to accomplish something. There's a certain unexplainable appeal in proving people wrong. In the past months, I've been performing well under my potential in quite a few areas... partially due to a huge amount of pressure and frustration, but also partially due to apathy (ok, that's synonymous for laziness... I admit it).

For example...

"I think the church finances are too much pressure for you... we're going to hand them over to someone else."

Then miraculously... the data seems to have taken care of itself.

Or... "You should consider checking yourself into a clinic."

And suddenly life seems a little less tragic and a little more humorous.

"Why don't you come home? You could stay with us while you're looking for a new job..."

Yet somehow the sun seems to shine a little brighter in Germany. For now, at least.

It's like when I was a child taking piano lessons... there was a constant battle with one of my piano teachers because she wanted me to play certain songs which were, in my opinion, rather dull. And I had my heart set on Chopin.

"Oh no, you're definitely not ready to play Chopin yet..."

And a month later I had mastered my first Chopin piece, completely on my own, to the amazement of my piano teacher.

TAKE THAT, WORLD!!!

:)

Please Pray...

2010-04-30T08:57:00.002+02:00

I can't go into details... but whoever is reading this, please pray for a friend of mine (most of my readers don't know him, so there's no need for worries or speculations)... please pray for his physical and spiritual health. He's got a difficult journey ahead of him...

Regrets

2010-03-30T13:35:00.004+02:00

I've been thinking about regrets quite a bit in the past weeks, and had an interesting conversation with my co-worker today on that very topic. She happens to have a different opinion than me on the matter, which is always good to hear. I tend to assume that most people think and see things the way I do, an assumption I've recently discovered to be somewhat off-base.

As a general rule, I only regret things that I have done, even if the decision to do Said Thing seemed right and logical at the time. And, interestingly, when thinking about it, most of my regrets have to do with interpersonal relationships. For example, I regret having spent so much time with a certain young man.* Although it may have seemed like the right thing at the time, and although we had a great deal in common, and quite a bit of fun together, I still regret every minute spent with him and every word shared with him.

In the same situation, my co-worker would claim that it was a good learning experience, even though it might have arguably been a "mistake", thinking that that particular man could be The Right One. She doesn't regret her mistakes, even if the consequences are somewhat unbearable.

Admirable. Is this normal?

On the other hand, I have rarely (if at all) regretted not doing something. There have been things that others have encouraged me to do, but for some reason I didn't want to, and until now there have fortunately been no regrets. For example, in high school, my mother wanted me to go to the Prom. She even told me that I'd probably regret not attending - it is, after all, a pretty important event in the life of a normal American high school student. But I stayed home (and probably read a book or played the piano), and to this day haven't regretted it. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of proud of the fact that I could do my own thing, stand against peer pressure, and not really care what others thought of me at a somewhat young age.

What about you all, my Dear Readers (if I still have Dear Readers... it has been a while...)? Do you tend to regret that which you have done? Or that which you haven't done? Or both? Or neither? It'd be interesting to hear some thoughts on the topic.

*this could be high school or college or post-college... the general idea and the regrets are the same. :)

Wherefore art Thou, March?

2010-02-08T08:10:00.003+01:00

Have I mentioned how glad I'll be when February is over? I've been "alone" at work since the beginning of January*, and pulled off a monthly Book Closing on my own after having been in the States over the weekend for Kat's wedding. I was even pushing 40 hours without sleep... but, it was definitely worth it - I wouldn't have missed her wedding for the world. Let's just say life has taken it's toll on me in the past weeks.

And the fact that I work for a bi-polar German Spawn of Satan doesn't help.

And the fact that I had a sort of crisis last year around this time doesn't help.

And the fact that I spent the weekend crying because of a stupid book doesn't help. But for some reason, I can't stop reading it.

Do you know what would be nice? If I could just take a break from life... maybe a few months or so, or more... I feel like I'm in a glass fish bowl, trapped in murky water, unable to see clearly and unable to get out. I know there's something better, more beautiful, out there somewhere, but I'm so busy struggling to swim and stay alive, and the water is so cloudy, that I'm unable to see beyond the smudgy glass edges. It's not just physical barriers we're talking about... I also feel limited on an intellectual level, which sucks, because there are certain things I almost NEED to understand. Alas... someone ought to pick me up, shake me off, and set me down somewhere peaceful, warm and dry outside of this Universe.

*Germans have an average of six weeks of vacation per year... and my colleague decided to take five weeks off to go to Australia. Though I'm happy for her, it's forced me to live in survival mode for the past month, which has not been pretty.

Happy New Year?

2010-01-14T08:26:00.002+01:00

Ah, 2010 has finally arrived. And with it, the chance to start anew, in a way. I've made a resolution (kind of a two-or-three-in-one-type-resolution) for this year, and all in all I'm pretty positive about 2010... after all, it can only get better after the Year from Emotional Hell.

Mary: *smiles bittersweetly and rolls her eyes*
Readers: "Year from Emotional Hell?"
Mary: "You don't want to know. Believe me."
Readers: "Hmm. Well, at least you're more positive about this year."
Mary: "I guess."
Readers: "So, what's the resolution?"

Well, it's a rather odd resolution... somewhat passive, and more of a damage-control measure than anything else. But then again, that's where I am at this point. So, for 2010, I've decided to try to stop hating people. There are certain people that I (unfortunately) absolutely hate, and I need to stop plotting their deaths and dwelling on it. Then, there's the fact that humanity as a whole (including myself) annoys me quite a bit. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I hate the human race, but a little more love wouldn't harm anyone.

Sometimes I feel like a cat who thinks she's a human, but has come to the horrifying conclusion that she's actually nothing more than a house pet. Those of you who have had pets will understand this, I'm sure. For some reason, I used to think that I would someday have all the answers, have everything under control, and achieve a sort of metaphorical godlike perfection. I knew I wasn't God... that's absurd and obvious... well... not THE GOD, of course... but maybe one of the immortals... one of the lower gods... yeah, that's me: a modern-day Artemis, or Venus, or Aphrodite, or Hera in the making. But no, I'm a mere mortal... a human, not a god... or, should I say, a pet cat and not a human.

Readers: "You've finally lost your mind."
Mary: "No, that happened long ago."
Readers: "And you seriously thought you were a sort of god?"
Mary: "Oh, it was more of a subconscious thing."
Readers: "Hmm."
Mary: "Yeah, it was a rough realization."

Why do I write this? Because I think it somehow plays a crucial role in the 2010 resolution. 99% of the time, I hate the fact that I'm part of the human race, I hate the fact that I have needs, I hate the fact that I'm not completely independent, and I hate the fact that I have no say in my own existence. And because I feel this way about myself, I tend to feel this way about other people as well. But, this year, that will hopefully start to change. I've been asking God to help me to forgive certain people, to stop hating certain people, and to give me a Christ-like love for humanity as a whole.

That's it.

We'll see what 2010 has in store for us...

The Translation Project (Ladies - let this be a warning!)

2009-10-09T10:08:00.007+02:00

Living in a foreign country, I often find myself having to translate from one language into another. In the past years, however, German is not the only foreign language I've had to learn... recent discoveries have shown that men speak quite a different language than women. This means I have to not only translate from German into English or vice versa, but from Man-German to Woman-German to Woman-English. Or from Man-English to Woman-English. And let me tell you, folks, it's complicated.

I tend to think that men deliberately lie and manpulate, though I'm not quite sure this is correct. Maybe they simply speak a different language. Or maybe they actually mean what they say at the time they say it. You never know.

Anyway, for all you ladies out there, here is a list of things that guys have actually said to me in my life. And then there's the translation, which I unfortunately didn't realize until post-facto, after the rather fatal mistake of allowing myself to get in too deep.

Oh, no, I'm not bitter at all. Just slightly aggravated by my own idiocy in trusting and believing *ahem* certain people... and believe me, it's not going to happen again.

"I'll wait for you, no matter how long." = "I'll wait for you for a week or two."

"I'll wait for you, you're the only one I can imagine being with." = "I'll wait for you until I meet someone new."

"I'm not like other guys." = "I want you to believe that I'm not like other guys."

"You look beautiful, as always." = "I want to sleep with you."

"I love you." = "I want to sleep with you."

"I love you." = "Hmm, this silence is awkward and anything else I say might be wrong."

"I love you." = "Please don't be mad at me."

"I love you." = "I think I love you at this particular moment, but I might change my mind tomorrow."

"You're the one I've been looking for my entire life." = "I like you pretty much, but I think I'll still keep looking."

"I never want to lose you." = "Please don't break up with me... if anyone initiates a break-up, it's going to be me."

"I can't imagine being without you." = "My friends are out of town and there's nothing good on tv."

"You're the most important person in my life." = "You're the most important person other than myself. And the next girl who comes along and is slightly more interesting and pretty. And my friends. And a few other people, but you really are fairly important. Really."

"I'll call you tomorrow evening." = "I might call you at some random point in the next month or so."

"What YOU want is the most important thing." = "What YOU want is pretty important, unless it coincides with what I want."

"I want to travel the world with you." = "I'm kind of bored today."

"I wrote this song/poem/whatever for you." = "Look how brilliant I am. Is it any good? Will the next girl like it too?"

"We should elope..." = "I'm really bored."

"We should elope..." = "I want to sleep with you."

"We should elope..." = "I don't have money for a wedding... I spent it all on alcohol and video games."

"Let's meet in Chicago - I have to see you." = "I want to sleep with you."

"You can trust me." = "I'm going to manipulate you."

"I'd never lie to you." = "I'm lying to you as we speak."

"I'll give you everything." = "I'll give you almost everything, but I might take it all back tomorrow."

"I'll come back for you... I'll find you no matter what." = "I'll come back for you unless I meet someone else and forget you."

There you have it. :) To any guys reading this, if you're offended, then I'm kind of sorry. Yes, you read correctly - only kind of. :) Maybe this will encourage you to re-consider before you say or promise something you haven't thoroughly thought through.

Truth is confusing...

2009-10-04T21:52:00.002+02:00

I was thinking about Truth the other day, and came to the conclusion (not that I personally define truth) that it's something eternal, or at least I hope it is... otherwise I might as well throw myself into the Rhine.

Truth must be eternal in the sense that it's neither time- nor emotion- nor personal-philosophy- nor situation-dependent. It's true no matter who you are, no matter where you are, and no matter what you are thinking and feeling.

Is something true if I think I can prove it? If a genius can supposedly prove it? If it makes sense? Is something a lie if the speaker is ignorant? If the speaker is careless? If the speaker means what's said at the time, but regrets it later? That is, can Truth turn into a lie?

*shrugs her shoulders*

Verdammt. I chose the wrong painting.

2009-09-13T22:19:00.005+02:00

Ah, a revelation has struck... do you guys remember when I was trying to make a decision about which painting to choose? Well, folks, I chose the wrong painting last June, which rather unfortunately resulted in the following painting:

And now, in a way, I'm at the cross-roads again, and still don't know what's right and what's wrong, or even what I want for that matter.* On the bright side, however, there are a few things I know I don't want, and people I don't particularly want to see, and I'm not afraid to say so, and to say no.

*But I do know one thing: plaid pink and white is pretty darn cute.

Hmm.

2009-09-11T00:17:00.003+02:00

For some reason, I can't seem to get anything done this year, including updating my blog. I actually wanted the next post to include pictures from Emita's wedding, but for some reason it's difficult to get them downloaded from the camera and uploaded into the net. Just like I can't seem to empty my mailbox (Bizarro Mom gets pretty upset about this) or turn in my tax forms or mop the floors or go grocery shopping.

Sometimes, however, there are simply more important things... such as remodeling, glittery-purple suits of armour, trying to live in denial, taking walks along the autobahn at 3 AM, and avoiding people.

Like you all know, it's been a rough year, and I'm still recovering from certain aspects of it, but all in all things are getting better. I've gone from bawling every day to wanting to hire a hit-man (which I still wouldn't mind doing) to attempting to find some balanced middle ground. It's tough sometimes, and all-too-often I desperately want out, but what's one to do? On a somewhat serious note (sorry in advance if this offends someone), I decided when I was 15 or 16 not to ever commit suicide, no matter how hard things get. Sometimes I think that was one of the best decisions I've made, and sometimes I think it was one of the worst. But it was a deicision, and a right decision at that, so we'll stick with it.

Change of topic: does anyone know where you can get pictures custom-framed for pretty cheap? I've got a picture that's 60 by 120 cm, which is a rather abnormal shape, and I can't find any frame it'll fit in. :( It's a hand-painting of deep pink and yellow lotus blossoms, from China.

And talking of art... some idiot in Britain stole a collection of Andy Warhol art from a millionaire. How dumb is that? What's he going to do, sell it? Hang it up? Each piece is individual... one-of-a-kind ... seriously folks... and Andy Warhol? Sure, he's ok, but if you're going to steal art, steal something a little classier, a little more romantic, impressionistic, pastel, French. Oh well.

Jaja, das wars...

Time flies when you're having fun

2009-07-13T10:37:00.000+02:00

Yes, it's been well over a month since I've last written, and the original deadline was one month, but for some reason I needed a little more time. As most of my Dear Readers know, I have what I refer to as "Phases", and this particular Phase was slightly more horrid than most. But, like any situation in life, you live and learn, and hopefully don't repeat your mistakes. Though I unfortunately have a way of repeating mine, but we won't go there.

In the last couple of days or so, I've been doing rather well, which is an absolute miracle. So well, in fact, that I almost got in a car wreck, semi-overdosed on prescription meds, sewed a cute summer-skirt, refer to one of my best friends as an ass, chew out strangers at the supermarket (darn, I'm seriously turning into a German!), bought a pink ice-cream scoop, and pretty much do what I feel like doing. I've even turned into an occasional-you-know-what, which isn't exactly fabulous, but it's definitely better than bawling continuously. On top of that, I'm a brutal damage-inflicting Priestess when I'm not sitting in the office crunching numbers.

I've debated whether or not I should post some of the things I've had to deal with and think through in my life... in the hope of helping someone else know that they're not alone in their struggles, or know that they can overcome certain struggles.

Thoughts? Opinions? To what extent ought one publish personal crap in the internet? :)

There you have my life update, folks, hot off the press and as exciting as ever.

It's that time again...

2009-02-13T07:59:00.000+01:00

... just so everyone knows, I've decided to take a break from writing to figure some stuff out. I'll probably need a month or so.

Scarborough or Cecily?

2009-01-28T23:18:00.001+01:00

So... I bought a new car today... it was kind of a spontaneous thing, but I think it was the right decision. Hehe. And now I need a name for her.

I have Issues (and need a Hit-Man)

2009-01-26T08:19:00.000+01:00

So I'm going to be brutally honest: this week was absolutely horrid, and I've cried more in the past week than in 2008. At least I know I have a heart... which I was beginning to question because it'd been a tear-free-half-year, which is abnormal for my melancholy self. But alas, the tides, along with the tears, have returned, and there could be another season of cynical poetry and mad creativity.

Why is it that when it hurts the most, you're the most creative? Is it some sort of outlet? Is it some sort of evil joke the Universe plays on you?

I think, though, that I'm moving from the Sad Phase to the Livid Phase, which is an excellent step in a somewhat wrong direction, but at least it's a different direction, and at least I'm adjusting my Hit-List as opposed to my Will. You've got to see the bright side of things.

Pssst

2009-01-24T21:24:00.003+01:00

I've kind of forsaken my blog lately... it's not as if nothing's going on... there most certainly is... it's just stuff I really ought not publish online. My reputation! My honour! My dignity! My sanity! The irony is that at this point, I could turn about 90% of my life into a best-selling novel. The other 10%, that is, the uninteresting part, is when I'm sleeping without dreaming weird stuff (7.45%) or being my Ninja-Alter-Ego (2.55%).

That's all for now...

Lalala

2009-01-14T08:25:00.003+01:00

I love our little Bible Study group, and last Tuesday was especially interesting. The topic was redemption, and we got into a rather heated debate as to whether someone can "lose" their salvation or not, specifically, if they deliberately "choose" to. You know you're in Germany when Bible Study turns into a screaming argument.

And you know you're in the States when the huge black security woman at the airport calls you "baby doll." That's normal.

It feels like I was never even in the States at all. There are half a million things I have to get done, and there's so much going on... it's hard to believe I even had vacation. I feel like I go from one project or one drama to the next, which is of course interesting, but sometimes I imagine how lovely a little peace of mind would be.

Actually, everything is going rather well at the moment. There's no way to see into the future, of course, but I have the feeling that something major is going to change in the next year or two or so. And it's kind of scary. But, to quote my dear Katinka, "It'll all work out."

Sun and Snow

2009-01-05T22:38:00.000+01:00

To Whomever it might interest or concern, I made it back safely to Germany. This time, the only drama was having to go tearing through the airport to catch my international flight, and making it there just as everyone was finishing boarding. But I made it, unlike last year. Life gets better every day.

I've been wanting to post some pictures, but have somehow succesfully procrastinated getting anything done (or maybe it's because I'm too busy being my Ninja-Alter-Ego with fiery poisonous darts)... but as soon as I get the pictures uploaded, I'll post them.

The trip back home this year was great - time with my family, a get-together at our house, a trip to Mexico, coffee by the gallon, running through the dark after wild pigs, sunny weather, and of course a ton of cards. What makes me happiest is that everyone is doing well. That's huge.

My first several days back were great, though I'd best leave the highlights unpublished. Today was the perfect first day of work: driving my car an hour through the snow, working 13.5 hours straight, and dealing with a horrid stomach ache. But thanks to a bar of chocolate, I survived.

Sisters

2008-12-23T04:23:00.003+01:00

It's the Return of the Barber Girls! :)

And it's amazing how immature we can be when we're finally together again. Fun times. :)

Stupid visa drama

2008-12-10T19:52:00.004+01:00

I feel like I've forsaken my blog... I guess it's because quite a bit has been going on, both in my head and in my little world, and I've spent more time thinking and talking than publishing my life stories in the internet. But whatever. Whatever, I tell you. It's all under control.

Why does drama always happen to me? Last night, a friend was here and she was looking at my visa. The conversation was so typical of Life Abroad in Mary's World:

Friend: "Nice Visa."
Mary: "Thanks."
Friend: "Hey, you know your living permit expired two months ago."
Mary: "Crap. What?"
Friend: "Yeah, October 2008."
Mary: "I knew I was forgetting something."

So of course I'm worried that when I LEAVE THE COUNTRY IN THREE DAYS, they're not going to let me back in cause my freaking permit expired. So I spent half the morning frantically calling the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, trying to get stuff straightened out. And now I have to drive to Wesel on Friday morning, the day before I fly. Why me? But at least my life is rarely boring.

By the way, I'm not really a Financial Analyst... I'm a Ninja with firey poisonous darts.

Books and Beauty

2008-11-26T19:42:00.005+01:00

So I discovered the Library at the Duisburg-Essen University... it's like a little island of Paradise in a harsh, cold, world. Nah, not really, I'm actually doing surprisingly manically well. And I have a book of Hopkins poetry! Adrenaline rush! Here's an excerpt from Pied Beauty.

Glory be to God for...
...All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;
He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:
Praise him.

For those who care, my all-time favourite poem is also by him (thus the book choice): The Windhover.

Chocolate!

2008-11-17T20:25:00.005+01:00

So... I found chocolate in my mailbox today and I don't know who it's from! There was no note, nothing. But it was definitely some of my favourite chocolate - the kind with strawberry yoghurt, mmm. :) I've already asked several people but no one seems to know anything. I think I have an Admirer. Or someone who wants to poison me.

Perspectives

2008-11-16T23:03:00.005+01:00

This is one of my new favourite pictures - it's Maurice and me renovating (or not) at Mariposa's. I call it "Resting after a hard day's work in Essen." But he called it "The Shoot-out." It all depends on how you look at it.

I'd kind of like to change some stuff around in my appartment... for example... painting a Monet mural on the wall, or painting "clouds" on the ceiling.

Politics and Pageants

2008-11-04T23:21:00.004+01:00

I think the US Presidential Elections are the men's version of the Miss America Beauty Pageant. If women strive to be beautiful and loved, then Miss America is the Ultimate: she's loved, she's lovely, she's wanted, and all this on an official national level, sealed with a diamond-studded-princess-tiara. What more could a girl want? And if men strive for respect and admiration, then which man wouldn't want to be the President? After all, it's the highest, most respected position in one of the most influential countries in the world.

So, men and women of America, let the competition begin. For women, the most important part of the competition is looking good, whether it be in an every-day-dress, an evening gown, or even no clothes at all. This, my Dear Readers, is the message we want to send our future generation of women. For men, the most important part of the competition is the debate, and out-witting your opponent. You don't even have to say anything intelligent or relevant yourself... as long as you keep the debate going and make your opponent look like an idiot every now and then, then you're doing your job. And you're manly and respected.

I've never been that big into politics... which is odd, because I'm quite the Idealist. Maybe it's because I believe that it's the every-day-people and the little things that make the real, tangible difference, and not some politician. Sure, a politician has influence in the long-run and in the Big Picture... but I'm so trapped in my own Little World that it's sometimes hard to see the Big Picture until years later. Or maybe it's because I'm a frustrated, pessimistic Idealist.

Somebody, stop me

2008-10-25T09:09:00.003+02:00

There's been so much going on... life and people and work and blah blah blah. I don't even know where to start.

In a book I just finished, the author described the difference between how men and women think. She used the analogy of a computer screen and various open programs or windows. A woman, for example, simultaneously thinks about multiple things - she'll have various "windows" open, and is unable to close certain windows. A man, on the other hand, tends to have one window open at a time. He'll think about one issue, close the window, and then move on to the next issue. In this sense, I'm 120% woman... and the problem is that I currently have one or two windows that I simply cannot close. It's as if one or two major windows have been opened, and they're crowding everything else in my brain out of the way. And I can't shut them. And I'm distracted and unable to concentrate.

I was talking with a guy friend, and he said that he's able to stop thinking about something, even if it's important to him or it's bothering him or it's unresolved. I'm jealous. I need a brain transplant. If I hadn't lost so much money in investments (*bleeping* financial crisis), maybe I could even afford one.

My Onion Life

2008-10-14T23:30:00.002+02:00

I feel like I'm leading multiple lives with multiple identities in multiple dimensions. Sometimes it's kind of fun and interesting, but other times I wish I were more normal and stable. Though in the last several months I've started accepting (and even liking) my own weirdness. That's important.

It's not like a Glass Onion Life... more like a Coloured Onion. I think I need to discover a new colour.

New York from the Ferry

2008-10-03T16:58:00.005+02:00

So... which is your favourite photo?

It's real-colour, for the Realists among my Dear Readers. What you see is what you get, you perceive and accept the world as it is, and Imagine is nothing more than a dusty old John Lennon song.

Behold, sepia, arguably for the slightly eccentric, misunderstood, and surprising personalities. It's modern, but old-fashioned. It's almost dark, but not quite. It has a certain beauty to it. It's not sure who it is, and what it's place in the world is.

Ah, the classic black-and-white... it's dark, obscure, foreboding, somber. It can turn a normal city into Gotham City. There's no hope, no escape, no peace, no beauty.

And now, for the Dreamers, the Idealists, the Visionaries among you, I present the tungsten effect. It's Reality on Steroids, it's a manic episode, it's seeing colour in a drab world, it's smiling amidst tears, it's hearing music in a deathly silence.

I think I'm losing my mind..........................

Library of Congress Quotes

2008-09-29T04:04:00.003+02:00

Yes, it's 4 in the morning and yes, I'm having trouble sleeping.

And as I can't think of anything better to do at this wee hour, I decided to post some of my favourite quotes I found on the walls of the Library of Congress.

"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man."

"How charming is divine philosophy."

"Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers."

"Art is long and time is fleeting."

"They are never alone that are accompanied by noble thoughts."

Periwinkle

2008-09-26T21:19:00.003+02:00

I feel like there's Beauty in the World again. And Colour. And Goodness. And Hope. Maybe there always is, to a certain extent, and I just so often fail to see it.

A few Vacation Pics

2008-09-20T10:41:00.002+02:00

Here are a few favourite pictures from Washington, DC and New York City. :)

Here's Kat with her grocery-shopping-cart, which is very practical given the fact that she doesn't have a car.

We had to visit the Capitol Building, of course...

This would be the Washington Monument, at the end of the National (non-shopping) Mall.

This was taken in the Senator of South Dakota's office... one of Kat's friends works there, so we went by and had lunch in the Cafeteria under the Capitol Building where all the Senators and Representatives eat. I felt important. And I felt like screaming "bomb!" just to see what would happen.

Yup, you've got it... Hillary R. Clinton's office. Not that I'm necessarily a fan... it was just neat being able to peak into her office.

It's my favourite Nurse! :) Yup, my ER Nurse Sister... I'm super proud of her.

Our childhood best friends came to visit us, which was great. It's a miracle we're all alive, and not in prison.

The main room of the Library of Congress was outlined in paintings with clever quotes... I didn't know our country had such an intellectual humour. This was one of my favourites: "They are never alone that are accompanied with noble thoughts."

We went to NY City for the day... this was taken around 2 in the morning at Times Square. Craziness.

Mary Poppins! On Broadway! Life doesn't get much better than that.

Aww, sisters.

It's Mama L. Or Lady Liberty. Is that disrespectful?

New York from the Ferry. :)

I also took a million pictures at the Metropolitan Museum of Art and the National Gallery of Art... but I think I'll post those in a different post...

New glasses yeah yeah yeah

2008-09-15T19:22:00.008+02:00

As requested... here's a photo of me with my lovely new red-brown glasses. :)

I think they're great - they're the perfect balance between terribly boring and utterly outrageous, which is what I am as well. Maurice, who helped me pick them out, thinks they say "Hi, I'm shy and lack self-confidence"... which... I'm not sure if I agree with or not, given the fact that he almost convinced me to get a pair of knall-green glasses. Red-brown is daring enough for me at this point in my life.

Why don't I live in Texas? Let me count the reasons...

2008-09-11T20:51:00.002+02:00

... one of them being the conversation I just had with Mamita about Hurricane Ike evacuations on the Texas Gulf Coast.

Mary: "Mom, I've been hearing about Texans having to evacuate... is that only on the coast or are you guys having to evacuate too? What's going on?"
Mom: "No, we're fine. On the coast, it's a Level 4 storm, but in Austin it'll only be Level 2."
Mary: "Meaning there will be stormy tornado-like weather? Are you guys going to be ok?"
Mom: "The worst that could happen is that windows will be shattered and trees will be destroyed... we might have to take cover in the bathroom but I'm sure everything will be fine."
Mary: "Em..."

Seriously, folks. If you're having to lay in a bathtub with a mattress over yourself, to avoid injuries from shattered glass, then everything is NOT FINE. I hate bad weather.

Now the ultimate question... what's worse: bad weather or the Finanzamt*? Though if I were in Washington, DC, I wouldn't have to deal with either...

*the German Ministry of Finance

I hate being sick...

2008-09-09T17:36:00.003+02:00

...and it's even worse when my Mom is on a different continent.

I realized how serious it'd become when a friend came by with some chicken soup and decided to help himself to the chocolate I had sitting on the counter. We talked for a while and it wasn't until after he left that I realized I hadn't eaten a single piece.

You know you're physically sick when you pass on afternoon chocolate.

And you know you're psychologically sick when you stop playing the piano.

And you know it's about time for the Employee Committment Survey at work when the boss is consistantly exaggeratedly nice.

And you know you need to get a life when all you do is read about Narnia and wonder if you could ever make it there yourself.

And you know... nah... there are some thing you simply can't know.

Lohnsteuererklaerungskacke 2007

2008-09-07T16:41:00.002+02:00

So I got the information from my 2007 tax returns this week and I'm PEEVED. The government is expecting me to pay an additional 1,600 Euros in taxes. That's a crap load and it's ridiculous. For the first time in my life, I understand why people get married for tax breaks. I've started combing the list of people I know to see who I could ask to marry me (only on paper, of course, as there are currently no actual potentials). It's really not a bad idea when you think about it. I want to have the kind of marriage where we'll still be face-booking eachother 50 years later (cause we'll probably end up living in different countries), and when I ask myself why I decided to marry him, the timeless answer will be: to move to a more economical tax class. Now that's love.

I have to pay the money; there's no getting around it.

But don't worry, folks, I've started developing what I'd like to call my Sweet Unemployment Plan of Revenge on the Evil Socialist Government. Or the SUPRESG for short. Before leaving the country (which I'll probably inevitably eventually do), I'm going to quit my job, file unemployment, and live for a few years on unemployment money. I view my taxes for social welfare as a sort of short-term personal vacation fund. Look what socialism has done to me! It's turned this once-motivated and hard-working young lady into a ticked-off-coniving brat who's planning to sit on her butt for two years and do nothing just because she probably could. Seriously, though: the government is taxing my hard work for all it's worth so that other people who don't feel like working can bum around all day (believe me, this happens more often than you think). So, before I bail out, I'm going to get some of that money back, take a nice, long "vacation" and milk as much unemployment money from the government as possible. The government even pays rent when you're on a certain level of social welfare. Sign me up.

Maybe I'm extra peeved because I've been working sooo much this week. After working an average of 14-hour days this week, and then receiving a letter saying the government's taxing even more of my hard-earned money, I'm just having a hard time dealing.

Big Black Brass Band

2008-09-02T19:59:00.003+02:00

Here's a clip of a brass street band in Dupont Circle (where Kat lives) in Washington, DC. They were fabulous live. :)

Back in the Land of Germans

2008-08-28T19:18:00.002+02:00

Well, after 12,147 miles (19,549 kilometers), 7 US States, 2 art museums, 4 of my favourite Monet paintings, 1 Broadway Show, 10+ episodes of Arrested Development with Kat, 3 raspberry Margharitas made by Emita, 5 books*, 1 hand-made quilt from Mamita, 897.08 dollars worth of credit card bills, 3 Metro tickets (2 in DC and one in NY), multiple shopping trips**, 4 gorgeous antique-ish rings from Mamita, an encouraging talk with Kenny... *tries to think of more things she can count* ... I made it back, safe and sound and happy, to the Fatherland.

*Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Lewis), Die letzten Kinder von Schewenborn (Pausewang), Infidel (Ali), The Silver Chair (Lewis), Urlaub auf Saltkrokan (Lindgren)

**there's some stuff you simply can't find in Germany... like a bottle of 500 Ibuprofen tablets for a mere 9 USD. And I thought Amstelveen, Holland was the Cheap Drug Capital of the World.

Back in the US of A

2008-08-15T00:15:00.003+02:00

As most of you know, I've made it back alive and well, this time with no Flight Drama. It's a miracle.

Kat picked me up at the airport on Monday evening, and we rode the Metro back to her appartment. :) On Tuesday, we took a tour of the Capitol Building and went to lunch at the underground House of Representatives cafeteria. It was freaking awesome. Then I saw Hillary Clinton's office... not that I necessarily agree with her views... it was all just so interesting. A friend of Kat's works for the South Dakota Senator, which is how we got in. :)

We also went to the Library of Congress... there wasn't that much open to the public there - just the main entrance area and one glassed-in study room that you had a sort of aerial view of. And then we stopped by the Native American Museum to see some of the beadwork they'd done. Lovely.

Yesterday, we got together with our childhood best friends, who currently live in Virginia. It was great seeing them again and reminiscing on our criminal past. :) I remember being completely devastated when they moved... but I guess it was for the best... if they had stayed in Texas, we probably would have ended up in a juvenile delinquent center. Or we would have brilliantly escaped from one. But as the mature grown-ups that we of course now are, we strolled through the Botanical Gardens, saw the National Archives* and then went to a Greek restaurant, all without destroying anything, manipulating anyone, or making idiots of ourselves. Fun times. I love you guys. :)

Today Katherine has to work, which is why I'm taking some time to write. I went to the National Gallery of Art earlier today and it was absolutely fascinating. They have two of my favourite Monet paintings there (I'm not sure whether they're part of the permanent collection or not) and I seriously started crying when I walked into the room. One of my favs is the Houses of Parliament at Sunset, which I ironically wrote about a while back. It's the first painting. :)

What really surprised me is the fact that the paintings weren't framed in glass... they were framed, of course, but it was all open - you could touch the canvas if you wanted (and if the security guards weren't watching).

Well, that's all for now...

*the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights being the most interesting

To pack or not to pack...

2008-08-10T16:01:00.003+02:00

... that is the question.
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against an empty suitcase."

Have I mentioned that I hate packing?

Tomorrow I'm leaving for the States! I still haven't grasped this simple fact... maybe because I'm used to only going home over Christmas. It's weird. I'll be in Washington, DC with Kat for a week, and then in Texas for a week. Kat's also going to fly to Texas, meaning my whole family will be together again! This is a rare occurence nowadays...

I always get in a weird mood before flying. When I was a kid, I used think things like, "When I grow up, I'm going to live in Europe and fly back and forth and bring my laptop on the plane. I'll be so cool." And now I'm sick of flying back and forth. After so much drama, flying has lost its romantic, exciting side, and it's a pain and I dread it and sometimes I feel like I'm walking into my own coffin. I need a private jet. Syd promised to build a landing pad on top of my appartment... I've already starting looking into jets on ebay.

Ok, back to packing...

... and tomorrow I see Kat! Sisters unite!

Advertising*, Coolant-Tears, Music and Names

2008-08-03T21:44:00.004+02:00

I finally bought a new Canon camera, und zwar an IXUS 80. It's about time, given that I've worked there for almost 1.5 years now.

It's brown and beautiful. Like a shiny piece of expensive chocolate with little buttons that turn your life into a pretty sepia tone.

Today I was locked inside my garage with Scaramouche. We're talking a dark, 10x15 foot space with cobwebs and old tires and creepy noises. I swear, if I didn't think that certain people were so darn funny, we'd have major issues here. Poor Scaramouche was crying lonely coolant tears, and all I wanted to do was check on her.

I've also been playing the piano at church again... which is going against my Resolution not to put myself back into some sort of leadership position without first discussing it with people. But since (a) no one seems to care** and (b) I'm doing well*** then what the heck. I don't feel at all like I'm in the right position to be leading the music, but then again, if I waited until I reached a certain "spiritual level" or whatever, then I'd never do anything.

So...

On a different note, I'm thinking of asking people to call me "Maria" instead of "Mary." I'm sick of having to repeat or spell my name, and I'm sick of people assumuing I can't speak German as soon as they realize I'm a foreigner.

Maria Elisabeth. Now I just need a classic German last name... maybe Wagner? Or Schroeder. Or Beethoven. Or Adenauer. Or Goethe. Or Einstein.

Multiple identities! In the States I'd be "Mary Elizabeth Barber" and in Germany I'd be "Maria Elisabeth Mozart."

Tja, mal sehen. :)

*my boss should give me commission for this blog

**surely this is my false perception of the situation

***manic episodes are fun

Doctors and Fairy Dust

2008-07-30T10:02:00.000+02:00

The only thing worse than going to the doctor is going to the doctor in a foreign country. Ok, not really... but it's pretty gruesome. The other morning, I had a doctor's appointment, and I couldn't help but laugh, the whole experience being so typical German.*

First of all, a little old man and a little old lady (complete strangers) got into a fight in the waiting room, which was completely ridiculous. Maybe if we were a little more polite (or chivalrous, perhaps?), such public arguments wouldn't be so common.

Then, after my appointment, as I was putting my shirt back on, the doctor rushed out and left the door wide open, allowing everyone in the waiting room to watch me change my clothes. Yes, I had a spaghetti-strapped-under-shirt on, but still. What about that little thing called privacy?

*shrugs her shoulders*

So I've had a slight "issue" for the past year or so, and I've been to the doctor here three times, and nothing he's suggested or prescribed is working. I think he's prescribing me sugar placebo pills. Or fairy dust. Or dragon tears. And nothing is happening. Which is why my Mom made me an appointment in August (when I'll be home) with a, em, real doctor.

*sorry, to my Dear German Readers... but that's just the way it is. :)

Hats are the new Cool

2008-07-22T22:28:00.002+02:00

And pale is the new tan. I think Mariposa and I are going to start a new trend. Take that, Cosmopolitan. One month and we'll be on the cover.

I hope Mariposa doesn't kill me for posting this.

No.

2008-07-14T17:00:00.003+02:00

Slowly but surely, I'm learning the art of saying "no." When someone asks me to do something, it's extremely difficult for me not to just drop everything and immediately help, whatever form of help that might be, and however inconvenient it might be for me. But I'm learning that it's impossible to make everyone happy, and that I can't do everything for everyone, and that I'm not responsible for solving everyone's problems. I'd love to be able to do that, but it's simply not possible. Thus the infamous "no."

Yup.

Indeed.

2008-07-10T16:41:00.006+02:00

Disconnected indeed. As of yesterday, I have internet again... why? Because I *ahem* forgot to pay my telephone and internet bill. Which isn't that impressive given the fact that (1) I work in the Finance Department and (2) I'm the church accountant. Things like that make me wonder what else I've "verpennt."

Naja.

On the positive side, I've finished reading Reaching for the Invisible God by Yancey (recommended by a friend), which has helped me sort through some crap and has shed new light on a few Issues. Things are starting to make sense... that is, they're actually not making sense... I'm just learning for the Nth time that I can't understand everything and that I'm not God. How much longer is it going to take before I get it?

I've been feeling antsy lately, like something needs to change. That's dangerous. In the past, that feeling has led to changing schools, moving to foreign countries, or taking chocolate out of my diet.

Yancey wrote that Truth is extreme. It's neither "in the middle" nor at one extreme... it's BOTH extremes. At the same time. That's kind of how my life is at the moment. One moment I feel extremely happy, like I could conquer the world, but the next moment I want to drive my car into oncoming traffic. One moment I feel loved and understood (it's a weird feeling), but the next moment I think it's impossible for anyone to love or understand me. One moment I want to help everyone, be there for everyone, but the next moment I have to be alone. It's like internal manic episodes.

A friend celebrated her Birthday last Tuesday, which was fun. (I'm glad you decided to do something after all!) :) It was both weird and nice being in a group of girls my own age. I only have a couple girl friends my own age (though one is 3 years younger).

Last night was hilarious - I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. Two friends were in Denmark on the Logos Hope for a couple of weeks, and they got back last night. And they brought a guy from Sri Lanka with them. Talk about butchered-ship-slang-English. I about died laughing.

The doorbell rang last night at about 20:30

Mary: "Who's there?"
Unknown Person: "Will you go to Denmark with us?"
Mary: "Of course!!"
Person: "Ok, let's go."
Mary: "I'm in my PJs, let me put some jeans on first."
Person: "So are you going to let us in the building, or should we wait outside?"
Mary: "Is it raining?"
Person: "Yeah."
*runs downstairs*
Mary: "I missed you."
Person: "I know."
Mary: "So when are we leaving?"
Person: "Can I have something to eat first?"
Mary: "Raspberry-blackberry yogurt?"

I have the weirdest conversations. But I think a few of us are going to drive to Denmark next Sunday... the Sri Lankan dude has to get back somehow, and now we have an excuse to make another roadtrip. :)

I've figured out why I'm so passive sometimes: because I hate making mistakes and hate hurting people. I'd rather do nothing than do the wrong thing. Though doing nothing is itself sometimes the wrong decision. Double jeopardy! Sometimes I can't do anything right.

The world is good. The world is fallen. The world can be redeemed. Life is kind of the same way, I think. Ah, the dichotomy of it all.

Disconnected?

2008-07-02T20:05:00.005+02:00

So... I'm kind of freaking out because my phone isn't working and I wanted to call my Dad. I'm definitely unable to make phone calls, and I'm afraid that I'm also unable to receive calls. Strangely enough, the internet is working, meaning they haven't totally disconnected me.

Ok. I admit I pay my bills late almost every month... but do I really deserve this?

I just want to talk with my Dad! Nothing more, nothing less. :(

One possibility would be to run up the church phone bill by making international calls... I am the church accountant after all... so I could calculate a monthly average and then pay the difference in July. Desperate times call for desperate measures. :)

Anyway. Those who might try to reach me via the land line (Festnetz), you can forget it for the moment.

Slowww Motion

2008-06-27T11:05:00.000+02:00

I feel like my life is moving in slow motion at the moment, which is odd because time has the tendency to fly. And I feel like an outside observer - watching myself move from one confusing situation into the next. It's weird. Like an amateur theater piece whose plot and characters I can control and influence to a certain extent.

Sometimes I kind of want out. And when I think about it, it wasn't even my decision to be here in the first place. Sometimes I feel like I'm in the wrong place. Or the wrong continent. Or the wrong century. Or the wrong planet. Or the wrong dimension. But that's a topic we'll leave for another day.

Dots and Lines

2008-06-21T11:53:00.002+02:00

Which Monet painting do you like better? And why?

This is more important than some of you might think. Each painting represents a different path of life, a different set of decisions, a different manner of thinking, a different way of interacting with people. I think one of these paintings is going to be my "Theme" painting (usually I have a theme song or saying) in the next phase of life.

And now the burning question is which one.

Yup.

I need something tangible, something visible, something concrete. Like dots and lines from the 19th century.

Life.

2008-05-29T20:43:00.001+02:00

*takes a two-week-or-so break to write other things*

What's one to do...?

2008-05-21T22:28:00.004+02:00

I just want to be...

... I think the spaced- out- dreaming- slightly- emotional- romantic- in- the- unromantic- sense- idealist is somehow becoming stronger. And the fact that I'm not alone on this psyched- out- free- falling- wavelength doesn't help the situation. Or maybe it does. It depends.

I love the sea. I love when the sun's shining and you can float in the water. I love watching the waves when it's over-cast and windy. I love looking into the vast distance. I love racing bare-foot across the sand.

Sometimes there are moments in life you wish would never end.

I've had people tell me they can't imagine what Heaven would be like, wondering what they'll be doing for eternity, and whether or not it will be boring. I don't understand that kind of thinking. Though I'm the first to confess my own extreme pessimism, I also have to say that I've had enough (I can count them on one hand, probably) moments where I wished time would just freeze for eternity and I'd be happy.

La la la.

Ca-la-la-la-lais

2008-05-18T19:26:00.006+02:00

This weekend was slightly out of control. To make a long story short, a friend and I decided Saturday morning to spontaneously drive to Calais, France. After making it through Belgium and France, my poor sweet Scaramouche freaked out at a gas station at 3:00 AM in Holland and wouldn't start.

Have any of you tried to sleep in a car at a gas station on the German-Dutch border? Not cool. Especially with a faint stench of brie in the car.

But at least the landscape was beautifully green, the windy picnic in the hills was lovely, and we got to splash around in the English Channel. Life doesn't get much better than that.

I'll post some pictures later... I think I'm going to go to bed now. Yay for sleeping in my own bed as opposed to a Volkswagen passenger seat.

House-hunting and Revenge and Strawberry Ice Cream

2008-05-12T12:52:00.003+02:00

A decision has been made! I've decided to go with Letter C on the second question, meaning I'll be rolling in the dough in a couple of months. You don't believe me? Wait and see. Frau Barber the Money-Laundering Monster is about too have her revenge for the chauvenistic office crap she's been forced to deal with.

Which means... I'm going to have several million extra Euros floating around. So I've decided to purchase a house. A couple of weeks ago I was with my friend Penelope (hehe, you probably won't like that code name) in Krefeld and we found a couple of potential houses.

A pink mansion... what could be better? I think that if I lived there, I'd always be happy and sweet and summery. Like strawberries & cream ice cream. Maybe that's the answer to life's questions: eating strawbery ice cream on the front porch of your pink mansion and thinking happy thoughts.

No, seriously, I wouldn't really want to live in a mansion... it's too large, too "spiessig", and too much work.

We continued walking down the street and came across the cutest quaintest little cottage... now that's the type of house I'd seriously like to live in. But not in the middle of the city... in the middle of the country.

And I'd have a strawberry patch in the garden in the back. Is this not the most adorable little house?

Anyway...

Strawberries are sweet, but revenge is sweeter. Muahahaha.

Floating, Falling...

2008-05-04T20:27:00.001+02:00

I feel like I'm wading in very dangerous water. It's like this: a while ago, I somehow got distracted while wandering down this winding path called Life and ended up standing on the side of a river.

I realized I had wandered from the path, but it looked safe enough until I faintly saw a sign in the distance. Instead of turning back to continue on the path, I made my way toward the sign, to discover "Deadly Current" written in hand-painted red letters. Again, instead of turning back, I decided to simply feel the water with my finger-tips. Nothing harmful, of course. And then I decided to cool my feet. Before I knew it I was wading. Now I'm standing in the water, feeling the current pull me further away from the riverbank, and wondering whether to throw myself in or to turn around. But is it too late to turn back? Would I even find the way back to the original path? Is there really a Point of No Return?

This picture was taken in Hollandia, by the way.

Work Vocabulary Test

2008-05-02T18:48:00.002+02:00

Though I've been here a couple of years, I still have a ton to learn vocabulary-wise. Especially at work. Yes, I can speak German for the most part, but there are still quite a few words I've yet to learn.

Here are some words I've learned at work recently... just normal every day words.

der Rechtsverdreher: Lawyer

I always thought "Rechtsanwalt" was "lawyer", but was evidently wrong.

das Irrenhaus: company headquarters

der Henker: Boss

Doesn't "Chef" mean "Boss"? This was slightly confusing.

der Verdacht: suspicion

seine Pappenheimer kennen: to know your co-workers

abzocken: to rip off or screw

(I'm not going to even say in which context this was used.)

die Einzelwertberichtigung: bad debt

Yay for long German words.

willkuerlich: arbitrarily, at random, haphazardly

(This word should be non-existent in a Finance Department, if you ask me.)

Hopefully this'll give you a taste of what goes on at work. :)

20k!

2008-04-28T23:01:00.003+02:00

Yup. Twenty-freaking-thousand. Plus a few more.

Hey people looking out the window...

2008-04-27T21:48:00.002+02:00

... at the city below. Hey people looking out the window, you'll be gone tomorrow.

This is what Springtime looks like through the church window. Not that I was distracted by a Certain Someone during the sermon and was taking pictures. I've always liked huge open windows... especially stained glass ones in gothic cathedrals. My life, though, has more walls than windows... thick brick walls that no one understands or can break through. Nothing like pretty open sunshiny windows where you can feel the colours of Spring. Nope. Dark, towering walls that have taken years to build, and will probably take years to crumble, if at all. Yes, I love being dramatic. And I'm seriously doing wonderfully well (in the emotional sense). Otherwise I couldn't write this kind of stuff.

On a lighter note, I almost drove off the edge of a hill on a moped today. A friend has a new moped and wanted to teach me how to drive it, and I agreed to do so on the condition that he sit behind me and make sure I don't total it (or myself). After driving a few rounds, he told me to give it gas, and then he jumped off! I about had heart failure.

What's with guys saying one thing and doing another? Would someone please explain this to me?

On an even lighter note, I'm trying to learn metal piano. There's nothing like a metal band gone soft (think: Hello or Good Enough by Evanescence. Now THAT'S what I call a work of art).

Oh where, oh where, oh where to go?

2008-04-22T20:39:00.001+02:00

Ok, it's time for a Blog Poll because the Blog seems to have taken a turn, and I'm not sure where we're headed in the future. And I'm not sure what my Dear Readers would prefer reading. So... some feedback from you all would be nice.

Please fill out the following questionnaire and return it to me by a strict deadline of your choice. Feel free to select multiple answers.

Mary and her Blog should:
(a) return to light-hearted writings about cultural and language issues, and every-day experiences in the foreign country that is Germany. Forget the psychological drama.
(b) focus more on the Psychological, as she's done in the past several blogs. The weirder, the better.
(c) come out of the closet with her poetry. The darker, the better.
(d) write whatever she feels like on any given day. Who cares?
(e) quit writing. Who reads this crap anyway?
(f) other: ______________________________________

Mary should:
(a) quit work to start a band and live in a van down by the river
(b) plan her vacation around meteor showers
(c) climb the corporate ladder, turn into a money-laundering monster, write a book about how she did it, and retire next year
(d) move to Fiji. Or Somalia. Or Macedonia
(e) go on Ritalin
(f) other: ______________________________________

Hello. Hello! Hello?

2008-04-17T20:22:00.004+02:00

I've reached a new level of over-analysis. Over-complicating and over-analyzing even the simplest of things has always been one of my hobbies (or obsessions? or addictions?). As Syd once said, "Why Simple when it can be Complicated?" And I completely agree. Though I do have to admit that it's sometimes a complete waste of mental energy.

Nonetheless.

My newest Analysis Project consists of two little letters (well, one is capital) and an exclamation point. Who would have thought that my past would come back to haunt me in such a simple, unexpected, bizarre form? Not I. But then again, we all know that my life is anything but normal, tainted by a shadowed past and a recently-discoverered-self-constructed-walled-in present.

*crumble crumble crumble*

It's a mystery.

Life is a work in progress... or a work in destruction, depending on your current state and point of view.

At least I can joke about it - that's a huge step, and it proves that I can deal with stuff and move on. "Moving on" encompassing everything from the occasional psychological success to bailing out to a foreign country. Sometimes you just have to take a leap and pray you'll fly.

In the Sky with Diamonds...

2008-04-14T18:58:00.003+02:00

Lately I've felt like I'm on a mixture of creative trip and energy high, and I can't explain it. Maybe it's the talking, or the writing, or the extra time, or Sebastian, or honesty, or the Music, or being understood to a certain extent.

A lot is going on, and quite a bit of it is rather draining... but then again, that's much different than drowning, which is what normally happens.

I also feel more free than ever before... like certain things aren't tying me down and suffocating me anymore...

... the wall is slowly crumbling, and it's a beautiful thing.

I think I'm paranoid. And complicated.

2008-04-08T21:52:00.006+02:00

I feel understood. Really understood. It's a strange, good, terrifying, weird, relieved, creepy feeling and I don't know if I like it. I'm supposed to be misunderstood... complication is my claim to fame, after all.

I don't understand.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

To translate, "Mary's freaking out because certain people understand her to a certain extent and she's not used to it, and she feels like she's gone too far intellectually and emotionally. She wants to write about it on her blog cause it's a big deal to her, but she can't find the words to express it, so she generated random Latin text and posted that instead. She might even be losing her mind."

Am I weird?

I know where the Summer goes...

2008-04-05T10:11:00.003+02:00

Could someone please tell me where the Summer is? Has she lost her way? Has she given up? Were the winter winds too strong?

I think I'll write a song about it...

The Past

2008-04-02T21:24:00.000+02:00

It's coming back to haunt me! But that's ok because the present is both bright and manageable and the future is... em... I don't know yet.

As Beck would say, "Man weiss es nicht."

I think...

2008-03-29T12:34:00.002+01:00

... that to truly experience/understand something, you have to have experienced/understood it's opposite as well.

... music is the ultimate form of expression. Words are an expression of the mind; melody is an expression of the soul; and rhythm is an expression of the heart. Music seems to be a combination of all three.

... that death is necessary for changes and new starts.

... that driving 219 km/h (136 mph) with a company Audi on the Autobahn is pretty darn cool.

... outward appearances are very deceiving, and we should be careful jumping to conclusions when it comes to people.

... black and white is sometimes more beautiful than colour.

... that certain issues like suicide and hate and depression and wrist-slitting and death and anorexia and darkness shouldn't be such taboo topics.

... that happy plastic Christian circles are super-dangerous.

... honesty is sometimes a life-and-death matter.

... that I'd like to have an antique black piano with candle holders.

... it's impossible to understand certain aspects of life and answer certain questions. The first step to sanity is accepting this impossibility, this limitation.

... I ought to re-read the Chronicles of Narnia.

... that my maturity is conversely related to my age.

... that one of the best feelings in the world is being understood.

... it'd be nice to have an older brother. I'm kind of everyone's big sister here, which is great, but sometimes I wish I had my own big brother (in the non-Orewellian sense). An older sister would be nice too... but for some reason I've always wanted an older brother.

I think the German Cops want me dead...

2008-03-19T11:15:00.001+01:00

For some reason, I keep having run-ins with the German cops (Part I, Part II). Am I that corrupt of a citizen?

The other night around 23:45, I was riding my bicycle home, and the light was out - that is, I couldn't figure out how to turn it on. It's evidently illegal here to ride your bike at night without a light. And, of course, I ran into the cops on my way home. Again.

Cop: "Excuse me Miss, why isn't your light on?"
Mary: "I'm afraid it's broken."
Cop: "Then you're going to have to walk home, Miss."
Mary: "Walk home in the dark, pushing my bicycle?"
Cop: "Unless you want to pay a 10 Euro fine, that is."
Mary: "Fine, I'll walk home."

Seriously, folks - what's more dangerous: riding your bike a few blocks without a light or walking the streets alone at midnight? It was so ridiculous. So I walked about 20 feet, checked to make sure the cops were gone, got back on my bike, and rode home as fast as the cold, dark winter wind would carry me. And I think I'm going to buy a CD with the 10 Euros I saved. MUAH.

Picture Update

2008-03-16T22:58:00.005+01:00

It's been a while since I posted pictures... so here are some lovely pics of my sisters and the youth. :)

First, the infamous Hartmann Sisters.

Here I am in the Center of the Universe with Mariposa... she'll be back in town in the summer, which I'm looking forward to. I think we're going to take over the world.

Here we are again... and notice my lovely new shoes. I actually wore them to work last Friday with a black business suit. Hehehe.

This was at a little pub in Moers... we girls wanted to take a picture, but a Certain Young Man kept getting in the way.

As you can see, we managed to take a picture anyway. :)

This picture is actually from last year... but it's terribly important because that's the evening I was inspired to learn to play the guitar. :)

Identity Crisis

2008-03-12T17:32:00.004+01:00

If anyone thinks they've had or are having an identity crisis, please come and talk to me. We could start a club. An exclusive club. A club that defines our identities, thus solving the crisis. Tell me this isn't a brilliant idea.

Quite often I feel like things don't fit... I'm either too young (at work) or too old (at church), too mature or too immature, too American (here in Germany) or too German (in the States), too complicated, too analytical, too quiet, too introverted, too thin, too concerned or too apathetic, too girlie (pink's not the evil it once was) or too feministic (don't even get me started), too well-behaved or too corrupt, too knowledgeable (sometimes I know stuff I oughtn't) or too confused (ah, the unanswered questions)... and the list goes on.

Everything and nothing fits together perfectly imperfectly.

Seriously, though, I've been having a hard time knowing where to draw certain boundaries, and what my role and responsibility in certain situations is.

So what's a poor, confused girl to do? Other than write poetry and eat chocolate, that is.

Sweden, anyone?

2008-03-08T00:51:00.003+01:00

I'm thinking of taking a trip to Sweden... maybe to the Malmö area. Anyone ever been there or have any suggestions?

Another lovely Day at Work

2008-03-04T15:46:00.001+01:00

Well, today's just another ~~Help!~~ normal day at work ~~I'm being held hostage~~ in the lovely city of Krefeld ~~against my will!~~. As most of you know ~~I'm trapped~~ we have our monthly bookclosing ~~and can't escape!~~, which is going absolutely splendid, with no major problems. Just thought ~~I need contact with the outside world!~~ I'd give everyone an update.

If I didn't care about losing my job, I could write some rather amusing stories, *tee hee*.

Narnia and Formulas and... Something... (and laundry detergent)

2008-03-01T13:55:00.001+01:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm missing something... something critical, something interesting, something obvious, something lovely... Something. It's as if I'm seeing, but with blurred-black-and-white vision, or hearing, but only a limited, muffled range of tones, or breathing, but the air is thick and stale (ok, maybe it's cause I have a cold). I think a healthy dose of Narnian air, sword-fighting and dancing in the moonlight would help.

As funny as it may seem, though, I've learned quite a bit over the past several months by spending time in Narnia and the surrounding lands and seas, and from listening to the stories of Aslan, Peter the High King, Prince Caspian, and many others. Sometimes fantasy has more to do and say about real life than reality. You can read non-fiction, religious literature and Christian philosophy* all day long, but there's nothing like a nice, concrete metaphor to make sense of life.

I've decided to copy Don Miller and take the Stance Against Formulaic Pop Christian Thought. Life's not a list of formulas, methods, rights and wrongs. There are no concrete steps that, if followed, will have the expected results. No, life is more like a song or a poem, each person singing their own voice or writing their own lines... to be combined by the Author into a harmonious symphony or a brilliant poem. Which we will neither see nor understand until the end, of course. If at all.

Just thought I'd share... it took a journey through the bright, sweet lillied-waters at the World's End to realize this... so you guys had better take it to heart. :)

On a different note, my neighbors seem to think that I supply laundry detergent for the entire appartment, which has gotten to be rather annoying. I wanted to do laundry the other day and didn't even have enough detergent for a complete load. I'm thinking of mixing flour or cappuccino powder in with my detergent... or would that be too cruel?

See, if I were a Narnian Dryad, I wouldn't even have to do trivial things such as laundry.

*not to bash Christian philosophy... certain readings have helped tremendously... it's just that it can all be so pompous and theoretical sometimes.

I'll write you a Song, my Dear

2008-02-26T20:23:00.003+01:00

There's seriously almost nothing in the world I'd rather do than play the piano. This weekend, everyone ended up in the Center of the Universe, and a few of us spent literally hours at the piano - playing, composing and singing. It was absolutely beautiful.

In life, there are sometimes moments that you wish would never end, and I think that was one of them. Bizarro Mom always says that I live from "Luft und Liebe" (meaning "air and love")... but I'd argue that I live from music as well, in a way.

There's some killer talent at our church... a couple of us are even working on some of our own pieces and such. And working in a group can sometimes be even more inspiring (and fun). The only thing that was missing was Syd, but despite the fact that we miss him, he's doing the right thing (though some might argue that he ought to become a philosopher as opposed to an engineer).

The International Melting Pot That Is Headquarters

2008-02-22T16:57:00.002+01:00

One of the funniest things is meeting people you've written and telephoned with, but have never actually met or seen in Real Life. You have certain ideas of who they are, how they look, and how they carry themselves... which are often quite incorrect. I e-mail and talk with several colleagues from Headquarters on a regular basis, and had the pleasure of meeting them live and in person for the first time this week. I also had no idea which nationality they were (sometimes you can't tell by the name), so that was interesting finding out as well.

So...

... I've worked with people from the following countries this week:

Holland

Germany

Spain

Portugal

Japan

Macedonia

Indonesia

Pakistan

England

Turkey

At other times I've worked with people from:

Norway

Sweden

Finland

Austria

Switzerland

Belgium

France

Greece

Italy

Australia

China

South Africa*

Brazil*

Taiwan*

America*

Our Headquarters is seriously a cultural melting pot, which is great. And of course everyone speaks in a butchered English (sometimes I do too!), but at least we understand eachother for the most part. I've also realized that people tend to understand me better when I put on a fake British accent. Maybe it's because they all learn British English in this part of the world.

*back in the ~~BenQ~~ Siemens Days.

Back to Holland (or, the Chivalry Soapbox)

2008-02-17T22:47:00.005+01:00

Beck and I are going to be in Holland again this coming week kicking some major business butt. So, if I don't answer the phone or the door, then that's why. This time Marketing Guy won't be there *sniff* but it'll still be fun.

Which reminds me that I wanted to spend a few minutes on the Chivalry Soapbox.

Chivalry is almost completely dead, which I didn't realize until spending a week in Holland with Marketing Guy. Sometimes you have to experience something good to realize that something's lacking. The opposite is of course true as well.

Anyway... at first I thought the door-opening and the letting-the-ladies-go-first and the walking-on-the-side-of-the-street and the helping-with-the-jackets was coincidental, so I decided to put it to the test. I probably shouldn't test people like that, but it's kind of irresistably interesting sometimes. And he passed with flying colours.

First, a background story: I wasn't always pro-chivalry... as a matter of fact, I was a rabid little feminist girl at one point. It started around the 5th grade, with a very polite young man at our church who was a couple of years older than me, and who always made it a point open the doors for the ladies. We had huge double doors at our church, and one Sunday morning as I approached the doors, he rushed in front of me to open the door for me. Any nice, normal little girl would have smiled and thanked him politely, but not me. I looked him square in the eyes, walked to the other door, opened it myself, and walked into the building. For whatever reason, I concluded that his gesture was unecessary, that I was perfectly capable myself, and that this ought to be made clear to him. Of course my parents didn't approve when they found out later, and we had a nice long talk which resulted in me apologizing to him (though I didn't mean it at the time).

As I've gotten older, however, I've realized and come to terms with the fact that men and women are different, that this is ok, and that this is even the way things are supposed to be.

A certain realization helped me come to terms with this... but that's a topic for another day.

I think it's unfortunate that chilvalry is dying out, though I can't pinpoint exactly why I think it's unfortunate. Which is also unfortunate. Maybe because it shows a certain respect which is often lacking in our society. Maybe because we should be embracing and enjoying differences instead of trying to deny them. Maybe because it's actually more freeing for women to be treated well.

Sometimes I feel that though we, as women, have gained a certain amount of equality (though we're still far from equal), we've sacrificed much of our dignity and respect. It was a sort of sorry trade-off, in a way. I don't want guys treating me like "one of the guys" or as a complete equal. I don't want guys to feel free to discuss any topic or make any joke in my presence. But I do want to be treated slightly differently - and respectfully.

And two weeks ago in Holland, things somehow fit together in a weird way. Whenever the door was opened for us, or whenever I was encouraged to move to the front of the line, I felt like I was being told, "We're different, but that's a good thing, and instead of denying it or ignoring it or making fun of it, it's something I respect. After you."

***IMPORTANT NOTE***

I'm not saying that any of the men or young men I know are impolite or bad-mannered in any way. It's just that this one particular young man was so very consistantly and noticeably polite and helpful, and thus made me realize that chivalry as a whole is practically non-existent.

***END OF IMPORTANT NOTE***

If anyone's interested, Ms. Barber's Refined School of Chivalrous Manners is now accepting applications for the Fall Semester.

I think that's enough for today.

*steps off the Soapbox*

Fab Four

2008-02-16T15:01:00.005+01:00

Some pictures we took over Christmas have finally been uploaded... this year, for whatever reason, we didn't take as many pics as usual. Oh well.

I love my chicas. We're all sisters, and all within a couple of years from eachother age-wise, but we're all so different - from personalities to interests to ways of thinking to looks.

And now only half of us are in Texas, we all have different goals, we all kind of have our own lives, and growing up is just plain weird.

To dye or not to dye...

2008-02-14T17:18:00.004+01:00

... that is the question.

I'm considering dying my hair black, like Duchess Ravenwaves.

One test-strand is already black (kind of like that blonde streak I had back in the day when Kat dyed her hair blonde)... and I kind of like it. Now the question is whether or not I should go all black.

Thoughts?

Beck thinks it'd be too much because my skin is fairly pale, and maybe she's right. But then again, maybe black is the new blonde, and maybe pale is the new tan. My Japanese boss has jet black hair and pale skin... though I wouldn't quite call him a fashion guru.

Work and Life and Ranting and Raving and Smiling

2008-02-12T16:06:00.000+01:00

Sometimes people at work don't seem to understand that I have a private life, and that I sometimes have things to do outside of work. And sometimes other people (non-work) don't understand the extent to which I work, the challenges I deal with at work, and the toll it sometimes takes on me.

So, basically, since I'm the only one with the Big Picture here, I guess I'm the only one who can make my own decisions and set my own priorities, which I've been doing: both at work and outside.

The other day was rather frustrating - I had quite a bit to do, things to take care of, and expectations to meet. And certain people* were making me feel an immense pressure. A month ago, I would have literally cried my eyes out. But now? I'm slightly annoyed. Nothing less, nothing more. And because it's all not do-able anyway, what did I do? I pulled the plug on the phone, turned off the computer, put on some comfy PJs and read a book.

Last year, I felt frustrated and trampled on and used up and tired and sad for 8 out of 12 months. And I'm not playing that game anymore. I lived in Survival Mode for way too long, and now it's the end.

Anyway. It was a nice evening.

And I'm slowly feeling sane again.

Which was one of the 2008 Goals.

*check*

*it was no one who reads this blog, and no one who's directly related to someone who reads this blog

Heavenly Chorus?

2008-02-05T21:52:00.000+01:00

The other night as I was laying in bed, about to drift off into wherever it is we drift when we sleep, I was awoken by a Heavenly Choir. At first, the singing was rather faint, but with each second it grew louder and more clear.

As I lay there, I knew it was the end of the world, and I somehow took comfort in that supposed fact.

The Choir was singing in German, which surprised me... I somehow expected Heavenly Choirs to sing in Latin or in Aramaic or in Tongues. But German? Though theoretically, by definition, they could have been singing in Tonuges, and I happened to understand it as German.

Anyway.

As I was pondering and enjoying the Chorus and waiting to somehow float up into space, I was surprised to suddenly hear them go fuzzy. And then they got a little more quiet, and then fuzzier, and then they stopped alltogether and I heard a booming voice announcing the weather.

I sat up in bed, thought for a minute, and realized with disappointment that my neighbor had his television on and had evidently just changed the channel.

Yeah... sometimes some of the screws are slightly lose... especially in that lovely stage between wake and sleep.

Annoying neighbor. Turn your stupid television off.

Oh, say, can you see...

2008-02-02T21:15:00.000+01:00

Is this not the best picture*?

My sister Kat moved to Washington, DC a couple of weeks ago, and as you can see, she's had some free time on her hands before starting work this Monday.

For my Dear German Readers, yes, as most of you have learned in your English classes over the years, that's the US Capitol. And yes, you can evidently frolic on the front lawn if you feel like it (and if you have a frisbee, and if the country isn't on Red Alert).

That's my Kat.

I'm super-proud of her - she's aced her nursing board exams and will start working at the hospital ER this week. If anyone has the right personality and people-skills to work in such an environment, it's her. She's always been relatively calm and collected. And she stays under control, thinks clearly, and can make wise decisions in high-stress situations.

Sometimes I wonder if we're really related. Ha.

Like I said, I'm really proud of her, and am excited to hear about how things work out for her. Yay Kat. :)

*photo courtesy of Kara Payne

Concert Withdrawals

2008-01-29T22:37:00.000+01:00

So... I learned today that Matchbox20 is doing a so-called "Winter 2008 Tour" (link-a-link). And who else but Alanis Morissette herself will be touring with them??? And not only is Alanis touring, but MUTEMATH (my newest band obsesssion) will be touring with them as well. I about had a heart-attack when I read it.

I'm actually considering, em, flying back to see them (yes, it's an admitted sickness)... they're in Texas on the 28th and 29th of February... which would be a month from today.

Can someone explain to me why I'm here? And why Alanis and MUTEMATH are touring together? In Texas? Two hours away from my parent's house? Can someone please explain this to me?

And Rob Thomas isn't too shabby, either.

Seriously, if any of my Dear American Readers have the opportunity to go to this concert, go. I'll be forever jealous, but that's ok.

I guess singing with Scaramouche on the way to and from Krefeld will have to do for the time being.

Unless I find a cheap flight.

Hollandia Report

2008-01-26T18:43:00.000+01:00

We really had a great week in Holland... my team of co-workers knows how to work hard and how to play hard, and let me tell you: we did both.

We worked pretty long hours (long hours for a seminar, that is), but accomplished quite a bit. There were certain Target Values we had to calculate and generate with the new system, and we managed to manipulate the system to hit it right on the cent. It was a beautiful moment.

For the first three days of the seminar, I managed to keep my identity hidden: everyone (except my German co-workers, of course) assumed I was a German. As an American, there are certain stereotypes people have of me, and I simply didn't want to deal with those this week. I've also noticed that people's view of me often changes when they figure out where I'm from. So. Other than our team and a few Austrians, there were no native German speakers. And other than two or three Brits, there were no native English speakers. Which means I effortlessly had everyone believing I was a German.

Until we went out for Japanese food one evening... which was for me, in a way, a coming-out party. In a cultural identity sense, of course. I don't remember what prompted the comment, but for some reason, I made the statement that I'm an American. Our Japanese colleague from "Inc" (so he's one of the top guys) was completely baffled and didn't know what to do with that piece of information.

Mr. Inc: "Ahhh you American? But you born in Germany, yes?"
Mary: "No... I was born in America. I'm definitely an American."
Mr. Inc: *stares at me* "Ahhh...so you Father is American?"
Mary: "Yes..."
Mr. Inc: *thinks long and hard* "And you Mother is American?"
Mary: "Yes, both my parents are Americans. I'm an American. I have sisters who are Americans. They live in America. I'm the weird one who lives in a foreign country, which happens to be Germany."
Mr. Inc: *scratches his head* "Ahhh... so you not German... so you real American."
Mary: "Yes, a real, American-born American. With an American citizenship and passport and credit card. The only thing German about me is my freaking driver's license."

And then came the Comment of the Evening:

Mr. Inc: "Ahhh... you were so quiet at the beginning of the seminar and you were only speaking German... I thought it was because you could not speak English."

At this point, Marketing Guy and I were laughing so hard, we almost spit Green Tea and raw fish all over the table.

*switches topics*

One thing that's great about Holland is the medication: not only is it cheap, but you can buy it everywhere. It's like in the States, except with a few more options thrown into the general mix. One lunch break we decided to drive to the local grocery store. I loaded up on Vla (a special kind of pudding), Dr. Pepper (yup, this is for you, Mariposa), and Ibuprofen. And at half the price? Stock me up.

All and all, it was a great week. I learned a ton, got to know my co-workers better, got to make some connections with some European Headquarter and Inc people, started reading yet another book, and laughed way more than usual.

Amstelveen, watch out!

2008-01-20T21:25:00.000+01:00

Beck and I are going to be in Amstelveen, Holland on business this coming week... so please direct all calls and e-mails to my secretary while I'm out. Wait... I am the secretary. It's my second job. Which is why it took quite a bit of convincing and threatening before our boss decided to let both of us go.

But it only makes sense.

Germans tend to be rather private people. They have their "work life" and their "private life" and those spheres rarely overlap. In the business world, you rarely "talk privately" with co-workers... it's only the few and far between who know anything that goes on in your "private life."

Which is why I feel like my relationship with a certain co-worker, Marketing Guy, is moving wayyy too fast. As he's driving with me and Beck to Holland this week, I gave him, upon request, my cell phone number and my address (so they can pick me up). And now I feel weird, like he knows too much. He's nice and clever and hilarious and all. But all that needs to stay at work.

I guess I'm kind of trapped in the mentality here.

Or maybe I still have issues because of Stalker Boy.

Or maybe I just have issues.

Hmm.

Bad Cop! No Donut! (Part II)

2008-01-17T17:20:00.002+01:00

So... I got pulled over today for running a pink light (ok, maybe it was a little closer to a deep-magenta-rose). I considered showing the cops my Texas license, hoping to confuse them and avoid paying a fine... but then I remembered that I'm technically not even supposed to have my Texas license. Which I of course don't have. And which I of course didn't illegally obtain last Christmas because the American authorities have no clue. It's all about being a respectable, law-abiding German citizen here.

German cops are ogres in green suits with toy guns. And they drive matching green MINI VANS!

Not only do I have to pay a ridiculous fine, but I have 3 points. Ah, the lovely German traffic violation point system. With five points, I think you win a teddy bear... and with ten points, you win a new CD-player for your car. At 13 points your license is unfortunately taken away, and you have to return the teddy bear and the CD-player.

Now it's going to be even more difficult to avoid speeding and running red lights and stop signs because I have to rush to work to put in more overtime hours to pay stupid traffic fines.

My life is a freaking circle of death.

Work (or, I think I'll stay for a little while longer if I can...)

2008-01-14T19:13:00.000+01:00

Work is hilarious and out of control and challenging and fun and weird and frustrating and crazy and other adjectives I oughn't use. And if I expound I could risk losing my job prematurely.

So... we'll leave it at that.

A surprising number of people have asked me lately if I plan on staying in Germany (I must be giving off weird vibes)... so I thought I'd give everyone a little update. I'd originally had three years in the back of my mind. Siemens gave me a three-year Visa, so I thought I'd stay for that period of time and then re-evaluate things.

Right now I'm at about the 2.25 year mark.

My contract at Canon expires in June 2008, but my living permit expires well before then - April 2008, if I recall correctly. Which means I need to know around February or so whether or not they're going to extend my contract so that I can take the necessary steps to renew my living permit (or not).

If I'm offered an extended contract, I think I'd sign it. I wouldn't sign it in blood, but I'd sign it. If I'm not offered an extended contract, then I think I'd try to move to DC where Kat is. Or maybe Fiji. Or Somewhere Else.

Man weiss es nicht.

But I think I'd like to stay here for a little while longer.

Here comes the Sun...

2008-01-11T17:23:00.000+01:00

It's amazing what a series of intense conversations (in English!) with my Dad can do. The past several months have been rather trying for me, and being home over Christmas and having time to sit and talk things through with my Dad was definitely what I needed.

He and I think very much alike, and he's dealt with a lot of the same crap that I'm having to currently deal with. So, though there are rarely simple and immediate answers and solutions (if at all), at least I know that I'm not alone here and there's someone out there who cares and understands. It's not that others don't - it's just that Dad has always played a very special and important role in this crazy thing called My Life.

I almost even feel good now. For the first time in a long time. It's a nice, weird feeling.

Homeward bound...

2007-12-16T21:41:00.000+01:00

Thought I'd write what could possibly be my last blog entry, as certain people seem to think that my plane is going to crash into the Atlantic.

*shrugs her shoulders*

2007.

What a year.

I've lived, thought, experienced and felt so much this past year; it's impossible to put it all into words. It's been a rollercoaster of a ride, and I feel dizzy and confused from it all.

2008.

It's coming, and rather quickly.

I have no idea what it's going to bring, but I do know that it absolutely must bring certain meaningful changes.

That's my two cents on life.

Another break...

2007-11-22T19:19:00.000+01:00

*decides to take another blog writing break*

Just so my Dear Readers know not to expect much of anything until then...

"Then" being January or so at the latest.

Choir Concert

2007-11-13T18:10:00.000+01:00

Our Choir is giving a Concert this coming Sunday, so whoever would like to come, it'd be great to see you there. The music is based on text written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, a pastor known for his courage during WWII.

Der CisDur-Chor singt Texte von Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Sonntag, 18. November 2007, 17 Uhr

in der FeG Schwafheim

Düsseldorfer Straße 280, Moers

- Eintritt frei -

Herzliche Einladung

You live, you learn

2007-11-04T20:51:00.002+01:00

I've been learning a lot about life lately. A-lot-a-lot-a-lot.

It's weird, though... there are certain things I know that I really shouldn't know and that aren't really my business. But when it comes to certain things I'd like to know and understand, I somehow can't make any progress and am left staring blankly and stupidly into space.

Oh well.

At least this weekend was two straight days of comic-relief. I absolutely love everyone* here... everyone is so beautiful and quirky and funny and impossible and creative and complicated and eccentric and perfect in their imperfection.

*everyone in my little group, that is

German Sisters :)

2007-10-31T20:44:00.000+01:00

It's about time for some more family pictures... this time, of my beautiful German sisters. :)

I love my girls...

And here we are with our brothers...

Universal Deadlines

2007-10-26T16:48:00.000+02:00

When I was 17, I met a 24 year old who influenced my life and way of thinking and way of interacting with the world tremendously. And by tremendously, I mean tremendously. He was actually in the process of writing a book at the time.

Mary: "What's the main theme or topic in your book?"
Someone: "The Universe."
Mary: "The Universe? Would you like to expound?"
Someone: "Simply the Universe. Life. Beginnings. Ends. Questions. Whys. Everything. The Universe."
Mary: "Hmm..."
Someone: "I'll send you a copy when it's finished."

And then he left for the mountains to think and walk and figure things out, and I left for the university (horrid institutions, according to certain philosophies), and the Universe somehow continues its chaotic spin.

At that time (when I was 17, that is) I told myself that I'd like to have the Universe figured out as well at 24. If he can figure it out by taking midnight walks, staring into space and smoking cigarettes, then I ought to be able to do the same.

But somehow...

As I was driving home today and thinking about how little I've actually figured out and how disgustingly meaningless most everything is, I remembered that I not only missed our Original Budget 2008 Sales and Cost of Sales transmission deadline, but I've also missed my self-set deadline for unlocking the secrets of the Universe.

Darn idealism.

Oh well. Maybe next year.

And I'm still waiting for the book.

Optigem Schulung in Rade - wer will mit? Macht doch SPASS!

2007-10-24T19:04:00.000+02:00

This is for my Dear German Readers...

...habe diese Woche ne Einladung zu einer Optigem (das ist das Program, was ich für die Gemeindekasse verwende) Schulung in Radevormwald bekommen. Die Schulung findet am 24. ~~Oktober~~ November* ~~Dezember~~ von 10:00 bis 16:00 Uhr statt.

Eigentlich soll ich dahin, da ich *ahem* ab und zu einiges falsch buche und nie eine richtige Einarbeitung fürs System hatte, aber Scaramouche und ich wollen nicht allein dahin. Muss irgendjemand an dem Samstag auch nach Rade? Hätte jemand Lust, mitzufahren? Würde jemand die Kasse übernehmen? Ne, Scherz.**

Wenn ja, dann meld dich einfach. Wenn nicht, dann schauen wir mal was wir machen.

*that's for you, Huckleberry :)

**kind of

Work and Teamwork

2007-10-20T09:35:00.000+02:00

If there's one thing I've learned from working with my colleague... let's call her Beck... it's what teamwork really is. When I started my job at Canon, the first thing she told me was that she wanted us to be a team.* Instead of having clearly defined tasks and roles, she wanted us both to be able to do everything, and to decide monthly and spontaneously who does what. She also wanted us to share our knowledge and keep one another updated and informed.

It sounded good in theory, but I wondered it if would actually work out practically... and let me tell you, it most definitely has.

What is teamwork?

It's a mind-set, a mentality, a "we", an "us." It's sharing. It's balancing one another out. It's doing a little more when someone else does a little less. It's letting someone do a little more when you need a break. It's even taking hits for other people.

When it comes to work, Beck never uses the word "I" - it's always "we." Whether positive or negative, she always says "we." I knew it wasn't just talk when I overheard her speaking with one of our colleagues and taking the blame for something that I had mis-calculated. She said that we had evidently made a mistake, and that we would would look into it and re-calculate it. I was shocked... I apologized and told her that it was my fault, but she said that we all make mistakes, that it's ok, and that we're a team.

At that point, I knew she was serious about it.

We also share everything - whether it be information, online folders, dealing with certain colleagues, rulers (she shared her green one with me until I ordered my own) or chocolate. We both have a weakness for dark chocolate and marzipan, and between the two of us, we always have a stash for crisis situations.

Another classic example was the variance analysis we had to do for September (accumulated! Help!). It was much more complicated than in the past, so we literally spent two complete days working together at my desk on my computer. Sure, we could have split it - she could have dealt with certain channels or accounts or cost centers and I could have dealt with others... but we decided to do it together and to talk everything through.

Sometimes I feel sorry for our other colleagues because Beck and I will often talk almost the entire day... but so far no one has complained. :)

This intense teamwork took me a while to get used to, but slowly I've changed to the "We Mentality" as well, and I really enjoy it.

Beck has been at Canon for almost 30 years now, so she definitely knows the ropes. She's been a mentour, in a way, in the professional realm (though we can also talk about non-professional stuff). I've learned so much from her, and I'd even go so far as to say that it's an honour to work with her, and to be on her team.

*well, the very first thing she told me was that we could use the "informal you" with one another... so I liked her from the beginning. :)

Sebastian

2007-10-14T21:58:00.000+02:00

On Friday, Scaramouche and I were pretty anxious to get home. We'd received a letter (which we presumed was from Sebastian) the day before, asking us to please meet him at the Post Office in Neukirchen. We rushed home, rushed to the Post Office, and sure enough, there he was waiting for us.

I'd met him a couple of weeks ago in Cologne, and we had a great time together, so I was definitely excited to finally see him here in Neukirchen. Though it was a little weird at first.

On Saturday, he met a couple of my friends, and then on Sunday, I brought him to church and introduced him to several people, and they seemed to like him ok.

I kind of want to take tomorrow off and spend the day with him, but I unfortunately have to work. But I think he understands, and I know he's happy just hanging out with John, Paul, George and Ringo in my appartment.

WWII Stories from Mariposa's Grandmama

2007-10-06T11:18:00.000+02:00

Last Wednesday was a national holiday here in the Vaterland, which means we all had the day off, all the shops closed down, and half of Nordrhein-Westfalen drove into Holland.

Mariposa, Scaramouche and I, however, drove to Cologne to visit her Grandmama. It was great seeing Mariposa again, talking about what's going on in our lives, and spending time with Grandmama.

At one point, Grandmama started telling stories about World War II. She was in her late teens and early twenties during the War, and seems to have no problem reminiscing and sharing her experiences. It was fascinating. I've always heard War stories from the American side, so hearing her stories was definitely eye-opening.

Here's some of what she shared with Mariposa and me...

All the girls had to do a civil service year, so she and some friends spent a year helping out on a farm. At the end of the year, they were told they could go home, but of course there was no transportation. So, carrying what little they had in their suitcases, they trekked the 600 km home to Stuttgart. Almost everything had been destroyed. Sometimes the streets were no more than a couple of feet wide, meaning you had to squeeze your way through the rubble.

They would travel during the day, and then stop somewhere, anywhere, in the evening. Sometimes someone would give them a piece of bread or some sausage, and sometimes they wouldn't eat anything. Sometimes they'd sleep in a barn or an inn, and sometimes outside. Along the way home they met a woman who had an old baby carriage that she gave them. Grandmama said it was wonderful to have the baby carriage - that way they didn't have to carry their backpacks or suitcases anymore.

Towards the end of their journey home, Grandmama and her friend were sitting outside and resting one evening when a black American soldier approached them and offered them a chocolate bar. As much as they wanted it, they turned it down, being too proud to receive any help from an American. The soldier turned away, hurt, and continued on his way. After he left, Grandmama and her friend asked eachother if he had maybe misunderstood them and thought they had turned the chocolate down because he was black. Which they hadn't done - they had turned it down because they only wanted help from fellow Germans. So they decided to run after him and accept the chocolate bar. In broken English, the girls explained that they'd changed their minds and that they would like to have it after all. The soldier was so happy to give it to them, Grandmama recalled.

It wasn't until after the war that Grandmama knew about concentration camps and what had been done with the Jews. There weren't many Jews where she grew up, and of course the crimes weren't made public, so she had no way of knowing.

Her Father (Mariposa's Great Grandfather) had three Jewish employees in his business, and right before the war, he advised them to immediately leave Germany, if possible. I guess he saw what was coming. Only one of his employees took his advice, fled the country with his family, and survived.

In their town, there was a large white house where Jewish children stayed. I'm not sure what it was for (I should have asked!), but I assume it was some type of children's home or orphanage. During the war, however, the children were taken away, Grandmama recalled. Everyone was told that the children were going to be taken to a better, newer house.

On their journey back home to Stuttgart, Grandmama remembers seeing people in black and white striped suits working in the fields. She stopped and asked someone who they were and what was going on. The answer? They're criminals, serving their time in civil service. If a government official tells you this, there's no reason why you wouldn't believe it.

The Russian soldiers were some of the worst, she said. Russia was so poor at the time (except for a few select rich) that the Russian soldiers plundered everything. They took everything from food to metal to rails from the railroads. She laughed as she told us one thing the Russians were notorious for doing: washing potatos in the toilet. They didn't know what a western toilet was, so they used it for washing vegetables. You always knew the Russians had been there when the toilet was stopped up with potatos, she said.

At the end of the war, her Dad was very ill. She received news that he was in a hospital in Dresden (if I recall the city correctly). The fact that she had no idea which hospital he was in didn't stop her from going to find him. She finally found him packed in a room with about 20 other extremely sick people. When he saw her, he started crying, she recalled. Fortunately, he was released and taken home in an ambulance, but Grandmama had to walk home by herself.

Towards the end of our conversation, she said that "we lost the war..." and her tone of voice was surprisingly more melancholy than thankful or relieved. I wanted to ask if she thought it was a good thing that Germany lost the war, but for some reason I didn't.

Listening to such stories is important because the past can be so easily forgotten and seen as impersonal and distant. History is something we're usually forced to read about in a textbook, or something we're tested on in school, which means we all too quickly forget that it's more than memorized dates and names. History involves real people: it's the story of our parents and grandparents, the story of the human race. It's our story.

I never knew my own Grandparents that well... either because they passed away when I was pretty young, or because my family lived so far away.* This makes it all the more interesting to really sit down and talk with someone from the WWII Generation about their life.

*History has a way of repeating itself...

Yawn

2007-10-03T01:36:00.000+02:00

It's 1:30 AM and I'm still sitting in the office, waiting for certain reports to run.

Is it normal to work 11 hours of overtime? Would someone like to explain to me what's going on?

And while you're at it, would you explain the meaning of life? And would you answer the other thousand or so questions I have spinning around in my mind?

Thanks.

*hums a Pink Floyd song in her head*

I need contact with the outside world! But everyone I know on this side of the planet is probably sleeping.

Has anyone out there ever felt trapped? Seriously trapped. Like my thoughts are trapped in my head is trapped in my body is trapped in an office is trapped on a continent is trapped on a planet is trapped spinning aimlessly around a red rubber ball? That's kind of how I feel sometimes.

Especially at this hour of the night (morning?).

Nah, I like my job. It's just that I'm sometimes slightly tired and delusional.

Blogs and Potted Plants and Moi

2007-09-30T22:32:00.000+02:00

So... I talked with Mom today.

Mom: "What'd you do to your blog? It's all black with depressing lyrics."
Mary: "I'm sick of writing. I don't even know what to write anymore. So I stopped."
Mom: "Well, I don't want to read a bunch of depressing lyrics..."
Mary: "But they're not depressing... I deliberately tried to avoid posting depressing lyrics. Believe me, those are happy lyrics."

I think happiness and sadness are relative. Some people might even consider happiness to be a lack of sadness. Apathy would be an example. Or, standing on the balcony and thinking, "something feels different today... I actually don't want to jump off." For some people, that right there is a huge, happy step forward. Happy, happy, happy.

All that to say... the blog's back and Mom's right... I've put a lot of work and thought into this, and I shouldn't just kill it like that.

Speaking of killing things, I've about had it with my plants. Anyone need some pretty (empty) potted-plant-pots? I have four or five.

Lyrics

2007-09-30T22:31:00.000+02:00

But I learned fast how to keep my head up cause I
Know I got this side of me that
Wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just
Fly the whole mess into the sea.

- Shins

What I learned I rejected, but I believe again.
Will I suffer the consequence of this inquisition?
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven?

-Alanis Morissette

Let's grease the wheel over tea,
Let's discuss things in confidence,
Let's be outspoken, let's be ridiculous,
Let's solve all the world's problems.

-Alanis Morissette

Hey people, looking out the window at the city below
Hey people, looking out the window, full of fun and sorrow
Hey people, looking out the window at the city below
Hey people, looking out the window, you'll be gone tomorrow.

-Belle and Sebastian

O Love of mine, would you condescend to help me?
I am stupid and blind.

-Belle and Sebastian

Family Europe Trip, Part 2

2007-09-18T17:49:00.000+02:00

So... how about some more pictures from my family's visit this summer? They're a little random and unsorted... I just picked out some of my favourites. Better late than never, eh?

As always, simply click on the picture to make it larger.

This was taken on a city wall... I don't remember which city, though, cause we visited quite a few. I'm sure Dad remembers, though...

Here's Kenny climbing the City Wall... I wish I could remember the name.

Of course we had to visit the Neuschwanstein Castle in Bavaria... here are Kenny and Mamita... aren't they cute?

I love my chicas! This was taken atop the Hohenschwangau Castle.

Believe it or not, this is the "piano" that Wagner composed and played on. He and Prince Maximilian (or was it King Ludwig II?), the builder of Castle Hohenschwangau, were friends. It was amazing. I felt like I was walking into some Musical Holy of Holies. Though I'm not that big of a Wagner fan (his music is generally too loud and disorderly and overwhelming), it was nonetheless thrilling to see his piano and take illegal pictures of it.

This is the Munich appartment complex we lived in when we first moved to Germany. We were in Munich for a year and then in Friedberg, which is right outside of Augsburg, for four years.

Neal went with us to Cologne, which is one of his favourite cities (sometimes he won't shut up about it).

We were looking at something rather inappropriate in Cologne. Ha ha ha.

Which remeinds me... I keep forgetting to book my flight back to the States...

Nine Eleven

2007-09-11T23:51:00.000+02:00

I still remember hearing the news: my roommate came tearing into our room, frantically telling me what had happened. She was known for over-reacting and being dramatic so I didn't believe it until she dragged me down the hall to the dorm TV lounge to see for myself.

I immediately ran to call my parents, but couldn't reach them because the phone lines were jammed. This continued for hours.

My Aunt and Uncle live in New York, so it was a relief hearing that they were ok.

A friend's father worked in the Pentagon, so it was a relief hearing that he was ok.

The entire University was in an uproar; the majority of classes were cancelled for the next couple of days.

Prayer Vigils were held and supported by various campus organizations.

News channels were broadcasted throughout the week in the MSC (Memorial Student Center), so students could gather together, watch the news, and discuss the events.

Blood donation sites were set up on campus, allowing students to donate blood for the injured in New York.

For weeks (and even months) afterwards, that was THE TOPIC. Not a day went by where you didn't discuss it or think about it.

I never thought something like that could happen on American soil. Yes, we have crime, but it's from the inside - my generation is the Columbine generation, after all. We even had a bomb threat at my high school, so I went into school late that particular day without thinking twice. But terrorism from the outside? That was a new concept introduced to me six years ago. My parents have told me stories of growing up during the Cold War Era - being afraid that the communists would come and take them away, for example. But my generation has been seemingly protected and naive.

Those are simply some things I remember from September 11, 2001.

Now, six years later, life somehow continues.

I had a great conversation today (ironically, I didn't realize until post-facto that it was the 11th) with one of my colleagues who is a Turkish Muslim. We were talking about God and beliefs and hate and war. And I realized, once again, that our fight here on earth isn't against other people. I'm not exactly sure what it's against, and what it practically looks like... but grown-ups are like children in the sense that no matter what culture you're in, they're the same.

"Children... they're all alike" is a common observation, especially from well-travelled and cultured adults with their own children... but couldn't we say the same about grown-ups?

"People... they're all alike."

We're a sad, broken, confused, lost, lonely group of people here on this planet and for whatever reason we have these tendencies to hate and kill eachother. The war isn't individual against individual... individuals get along, for the most part. And even if they don't, they usually don't kill eachother. What is war? Is it belief against belief? Culture against culture? Race against race? But Beliefs and Culture and Races are comprised of individuals. I don't think anyone can really explain war, or even end it.

Which is why I saw fire and crashing buildings and crying people and bleeding people every time I read a newspaper or turned on the televison.

I know my Muslim colleague had nothing personally to do with the attacks on September 11. Just like I didn't personally decide to go to war with Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or Kosovo. Or anywhere else US troops are stationed.

I don't hate people. I hate sin. And I hate rebellion against God, against holiness, against peace, against beauty. I hate temptation and giving in to temptation. I hate that sin dominates this world. Sometimes I hate the world, hate what people have to experience, hate that I don't understand why.

That's all.

Hark! the herald angels sing...

2007-09-08T09:35:00.000+02:00

When I think about it, there's not really much of anything I'd rather do than lounge around singing and playing the piano with Syd and Eleanor and whoever else happens to be there at the moment.* Yesterday evening, it was English Christmas songs, for whatever reason. I've always had a habit of playing Christmas songs out of season, and on this particular evening several other people seemed to be in a Christmas-y mood as well. 'Twas lovely.

In the past several days I've been thinking about (primarily non-physical) Constants, and trying to determine if there's anything in life that's constant. I basically came to the conclusion that the only Constant in life is the guaranteed lack of consistancy. But amidst this inconsistancy, a love for music has been an almost-constant in my life. There's just something calming and lovely and distracting and healing about it.

*Well, maybe I'd rather be wreaking havoc with my sisters, but they're not here (or I'm not there), so life marches on.

Tired

2007-09-04T23:07:00.000+02:00

It's about 23:00 and I just got home from work. We're talking about a 15 hour day today.

The combination of analyzing numbers, skipping meals, and binge-drinking coffee isn't helping the general situation here, either.

I kind of need a hug. But I guess all the normal people are safely at home, asleep in their beds, while I'm out carousing the A-57 and analyzing everything from allocation cost cycles to unanswered life questions.

Blue like What? (Or, Book Recommendations)

2007-08-28T19:40:00.000+02:00

I've officially got a new... I don't even know what to call it. A hero? An admiree? A semi-celebrity-crush?

It's been a while since a book has changed my life... the last book that concretely changed both my views and certain decisions was A Return to Modesty by Wendy Shalit, which I read multiple times throughout high school and college. READ THIS if you have the chance. It's brilliant and witty and true and feministic in a non-bra-burning way.

Now, however, I'm on a major Don Miller Trip. About a year ago, I read Blue like Jazz for the first time, and decided to read it again hoping it'd help me understand life and God and things. Along with it I read Searching for God Knows What because (a) I liked Don Miller for the most part and (b) I liked the title.

The book is brilliant.

His view of Christianity and Spirituality is a ton different than most everything I've come across in the past. He's both personal, real and brutally honest in his writing, and seems to have a decent understanding of the general human condition. He definitely presented some ideas worthy of somehow incorporating into my sometimes-seemingly-warped general world view.

As far as I know, the books don't exist in German...

Freaky Deaky Dutch

2007-08-20T18:21:00.000+02:00

*checks the calendar*

Is it the end of August yet?

Actually, no, but I want to let everyone know that I'm going to be away until Friday afternoon/evening, so if I don't answer an e-mail or the phone, that's why. No, I'm not going to be institutionalized or admitted into a psych ward (that I know of)... I'm going on my first business trip, which I'm actually rather excited about. A colleague and I will be in Holland (where our European Headquarters are located) conducting a training seminar for one of our Budget-Planing and -Reporting Systems.

Today I test-drove the company Audi we get for the trip... but I still like my Scaramouche better.

Things are slowly getting better, and, like the high majority of the problems I have, it's nothing that can't be solved by a nice mixture of journaling, pondering, chocolate, and mass quantities of mood-elevating Chinese herbs. And time, of course.

One more thought (this is currently a minor-side-issue): if one more person makes one more sexist comment in my presence, I'm going to quit my job, go to Bible College, become a preacher, start my own church, and preach against sexism and how Jesus was actually a radical thinker during his time and saw ALL people as equals.

La la la la

2007-08-07T17:26:00.000+02:00

*waves to everyone*

I'm going to take a break from blogging until I get certain aspects of life figured out.

In the past three months (funny how quickly a day turns into a week turns into a month turns into three months) or so, I've been trying to work through some stuff and for some reason things are taking longer than normal to resolve.

For my Dear Readers who regularly read the blog, I'll post an update at the end of August.

That's... all... I... have... to... say... for... now...

Lyric of the Day: "I need an intervention, a touch of providence. It goes beyond religion, to my very circumstance." -thanks to dcTalk